Tomorrow, I fly to the UK for the first time in 16 months. My daughter lives there and I miss her, a lot.
Projecting these thoughts out is not easy, and I read conflicting views as to whether there is a benefit to doing this, or if it actually makes things worse.
I suppose there's only one way to find out.
Three years ago, I left the UK following a personal struggle with my mental health. I'd long been separated from my child's mother - we'd only managed three months together following my daughters birth.
The weekends were our arranged time together, but as my daughter was getting older, her own life became busier and so naturally, this reduced the physical contact - I wasn't invited to many of her social events, they were more of a 'family' thing.
Living less than 15 km away, being 'so close and yet so far', really got to me. I wasn't interested in my job any more, many of my friends had moved elsewhere, and this left me feeling 'empty'. I was living in that city to be near her, and this was 3/4 days and nights a month. I lived for these days, but that left a lot of days in-between where I felt so low.
After some time off work and plenty of time to reflect, I made the brave decision to leave the UK, for sunshine and less stress. Being in a new place, with less worries day-to-day, seemed to level me out and brighten my outlook.
I worked in a Jewelry shop here in Mallorca, and also worked as an IT consultant for the United Nations in Valencia. The last 8 months have been spent mostly in Mallorca, with short trip to Reunion and Mauritius in the middle.
There have been many occasions where I've felt happy and comfortable during the past couple of years, but on flip-side of that, there is always something in my heart and mind that is unsettled.
And I think the above quote has something to do with it.
I don't love myself for leaving her, despite the situation. I'm regretful of that, and I'm unsure at present if it's tougher being 1500 km away, or just the 15.
'She's fine, she's safe, she's happy, and she loves you'. These words you can hear a thousand times, and never truly believe them. Or at least I can't, yet. Maybe I need to hear and feel this from her, more often than at present.
There is always the possibility of moving back close by, and I guess this trip may give some clues as to if that would be a good option for us both. I could do 6 months at a time - England and Mallorca, would that work, I don't know.
What I don't want is to be where I was at mentally 3 years ago, that was no good for anyone. But I think that is down to me. An acceptance of the situation, and learning to be OK with decisions I've made.
Perhaps when I give her the biggest hug on Saturday morning, all my fears will fade away, and I need to keep a hold of that moment to give me strength and confidence for the times when we are apart.
It is about time I grasped these feelings and took control of them - the physical distance will likely be a part of the future, especially as she grows older and chooses her own way in life.
Sixteen months feels like a long time, but I still remember the last words she spoke to me in person, and to those I said 'I love you too'.
See you at the weekend my love.
Asher