So... my wife went to camp and picked Baby1 up early and brought her home. I drove up to Vermont and plan to stay here until the 19th when her time was supposed to end. This is admittedly a weird move, but I don't agree with bringing her home. I can't force my wife to change her mind/path nor can I have the camp accept her back this session now that she's left. However, I can peacefully withdraw my consent for the plan my wife put in motion. In this case I left letters for my wife, Baby1, and Baby2.
As my wife was picking her up I shared I don't consent. I shared I think it's best she stay. I shared that I'm not on board with the current plan. I told her simply bringing her back would indicate a failure and I didn't think that it was healthy.
I told my wife I don't consent and that her choices made me feel like a prop rather than a father. She worked out the plan with the camp director when I wasn't on the phone or part of the conversation. This choice compounded long term difficulties she and I have had in the past. We have a large imbalance in our marriage of I tend to control money and she tends to control access and stewardship of children. It isn't quite healthy but the imbalance in those spots seems well balanced against eachother. I don't want to lose access to my children. She doesn't want to lose access to funding for the house, schools, and children. Somewhere in there is compromise even if awkward.
Marriages assemble baggage. I think we have more than our fair share. She really is an incredible woman, but this time I think she lost her resolve to see this through because Baby1 was struggling. Struggling is part of the camp process, and struggling over homesickness can be overcome if we give her time. We were getting letters of I love it here, but I wish you were here." That's pretty different than "I hate it here I have to go home." When we visited she couldn't walk through much of camp without receiving hugs from other campers. It was and is a safe and wonderful place. The struggle for Baby1 was "it's hard" not that "it's unsafe." So... I don't agree.
I think this teaches all the wrong lessons. If you cry your parents will swoop in and take care of you. She's pretty flippant about "well, I'll just try again next year." She seems to forget that I'm working my fucking ass off every single day to provide these things that she's now taking for granted. That's not cool either. I think it also shows that we don't have faith in her to complete what she started or it's ok to just quit when things get hard. There's basically no part of this that I'm ok with.
My wife and I have used strategies of attachment parenting to raise our kids. The results have been pretty astounding. My kids are bright, strong, healthy, fun, and caring. However, the challenge has been that I think it has sheltered them a little more than I intended and has made it too hard for Baby1 to stand on her own two feet without us. That's no bueno. So, I told my wife I don't consent to being a prop or to Baby1 coming home. I chose a tactical withdrawl.
So, that leaves Baby1. I started by telling her that I love her and always will love her. Then I told her that I don't support the decision that she made. I said I wasn't in a spot where I could share kind and supportive words about her choice. Then I said just because I don't support this decision doesn't mean I don't support her. I basically served my kid a shit sandwich. I haven't heard back from my wife how Baby1 is dealing with this part of the grand plan, but no news may in fact be good news. I don't know... there's no one more supportive or better built for this support role than my wife. I'm trusting that duo can make it through this hard part.
Last up is Baby2. She's got nothing to do with this other than having been whipped up and down the east coast a bunch of times. She's been a trooper about it. I know she's liked being the only child in the house for a while. I really feel like this robs her of that experience. I don't think much of this is fair to her, but here's hoping that this experience can be a good precurser to when she goes to camp 2 years from now. She'll have to have some separation with her rock of her father too. Maybe this will be healthy for them by then.
Philosophy
One thing that gives me strength and comfort every day are two quick things. I believe the universe is perfect in that it's a giant system designed to help our spirits grow. We attract exactly what we need. I think when my daughter chose us as parents and crossed the rainbow bridge to be with us she was going to get who were are for better or worse. This is what I think is best for my daughter and family. That may be through wifely and child protests. IDK. We'll see. Maybe this won't be a big deal. Maybe this is worse. For now I'm pretty sure it's what's best and I trust that the universe is providing us all with the perfect experience we all need to grow.
Next up there's a video that I use in nearly every hardship. It's the story of good or bad. The point is that there is neither good nor bad experiences. Only experiences and we can't know what's good or bad. This is what I chose because I think it's best. That's neither good nor bad. There will be easy parts and hard parts to this, but what comes of this is unknown but perfect in it's own way.
I'm a life sailor. I set a destination in the horizon and follow the winds as best as I can. I trust the universe to get me to the right place. In this case I've set myself on a tough but healing and loving experience that's good for all of our developments. Let's see if my family can steer there.
Namaste from Vermont,
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