I don't think I've ever shared my life in Hive even on the introduction blog I did at the start. I feel like people mistook my identity a lot being partly Filipino and partly Japanese.
I was born in the Philippines. I grew up in the Philippines. I go to school here and I’ve never actually lived in Japan. The only time I remember was I’ve only visited a few times when I was younger, both times for a few weeks to see my father’s relatives.
So technically, the Philippines is the only home I’ve known in a daily, real-life sense. Japan feels more like a place only connected to my parent's parents.
More than 10 years ago, when I was in Japan to meet my grandma and grandpa and aunties and uncles, the first thing I noticed was how reserved and disciplined everyone was. I remember not hearing people talking in trains. People lined up properly without anyone telling them to. Even convenience stores felt organized in a way that didn’t require effort. I remember being hyper-aware of how loud my friends and family were. I kept checking if I was standing correctly, speaking correctly, even walking correctly and as a kid, this got me in a bit of pressure. In Japan, since I didn't grew up there, I feel like I have to be this perfect kid while I am visiting there.
In the Philippines, everything is more casual and relaxed. People talk over each other. Plans change last minute. People are expressive and loud. I’m used to that. I don’t feel out of place here in terms of behavior. But I did feel different physically. Classmates would comment on my eyes or shape of my face or ask if I could speak Japanese. Some assumed I was rich. Some assumed I was strict. I was neither. If I would be objective, I feel like we're not poor but not rich either. We're in the middle ground where we can have vacation on other countries once every few years but doesn't struggle on what to eat each month as well.
The struggle in the Philippines wasn’t about adjusting to the culture. It was about expectations. Because I look half-Japanese, people expected me to be fluent in the language or exceptionally smart. When I wasn’t fluent, I felt like I was being judged. Sometimes it was funny to see new faces turn heads when I speak perfect Tagalog but most of the time, it does feel very conscious as if all eyes are on me at all times.
In Japan, the struggle was different. I looked like I belonged. No one stops on their tracks to take a second look at me. No one even doubts me if I were Japanese. No one makes me feel different... until I opened my mouth. My Japanese was limited. I couldn’t read most signs. Relatives would speak slowly to me as if I am a kid and I’d smile politely while trying to piece things together. I felt like a guest wearing a familiar face.
So the culture shock was very different but felt.
In the Philippines, I blend in culturally but stand out physically.
In Japan, I blend in physically but stand out culturally.
What shaped me the most wasn’t switching countries. It was growing up in a Filipino environment with a Japanese standard inside the house. My father expected punctuality, consistency and discipline. My mother showed more empathy and less strict rules. So, even though I live in a country that has a lot of loose rules sometimes, I hold myself to stricter rules.
That’s probably where the “fully expected to be strong” part comes from. Not because either country told me directly but because I learned to adjust in both without fully belonging in either.
And you get used to that eventually. :)