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That’s how it works, isn’t it? Whenever I have an expectation, and it doesn’t turn out like I want it to or like I think it should, I get angry. Instant resentment. And you know what? I know better. I have been in recovery long enough to know the sayings about expectations (like the one above), and my favorite story in the Big Book is Acceptance is the Answer, which talks about accepting things as they are, and not having expectations. Yet I still find that I often have unrealistic expectations of others and of myself. And usually when that happens, the outcome isn’t so great.
When it comes to others, I have to be really careful about what my motivation is for doing something. I have to ask myself why I’m doing it and what I am expecting in return. Is it recognition that I’m looking for, a pat on the back? Or is it sympathy? Validation? Agreement? Am I doing it because of self-righteousness? Believe me, I ask myself a lot of questions, but the questions about my reason for doing something often prove to be the hardest ones to answer. I like to think that I’m a caring, compassionate person, and that I do things out of the goodness of my heart. Sometimes that really is the reason, I do nice things just because I’m nice. But, if I’m honest, that is not always the case. So if I am doing nice things for someone because I am looking forward to the “thanks, you’re so great,” am I doing it for the right reason? I don’t think so. There have been many times that I have done favors for someone and not been thanked. And I become resentful. I have to remind myself that if I am doing something nice, it needs to be for the sake of doing something nice, not because I expect kudos for it.
