In the wake of the recent events in Charlottesville, the American Civil War continues to be hotly debated. But while the causes and consequences of the conflict that turned brother against brother still cause controversy, no one disagrees that Confederate soldiers were cowards. “They were a bunch of pansies”, said noted historian Shelby Foote. Indeed the widespread historical consensus is that the profound cowardice of Southern men doomed the Confederacy from the beginning, but while no one contests that point, new archival evidence has shed light on the causes that contributed to the “lost cause”.
Recent contributions from historians have uncovered the widespread practice of pedophilia among the Southern rank and file. “It was considered a cultural tradition central to being a southerner” states James McPherson author Battle Cry of Freedom, widely considered to be the greatest one volume history of the conflict. “It’s a widespread misconception that the Civil War was fought over slavery, actually it was pedophilia. Southerners not only believed they had the right to practice pedophilia, but extend the institution to the newly acquired territories”.
Indeed the importance of pedophilia was widely acknowledged by Confederate leaders. Alexander Stephens, the Vice President of the Confederate States of America argued in his “cornerstone speech” that pedophilia was not only natural, but also beneficial to civilization. Indeed many Confederate leaders had designs on establishing a transcontinental empire, a “pedophiles paradise” extending from the Caribbean to South America. Such ambitions were thwarted however following what southerners refer to as “the war of Northern cock blocking”.
But the Confederacy in the words of Jefferson Davis “died of a theory”, their defeats on the battlefield largely the result of the impracticality of sending vast numbers of children to accompany soldiers to the frontlines. “They were called ‘pleasure lads’ and were sent in the thousands to the battlefield” Says McPherson. While they created bottlenecks and logistical headaches for commanders, they were considered vital for improving morale and even inspired the southern motto “for pleasure” which many men whispered in their dying breaths after falling in battle. Each soldier was allowed one boy and the higher the rank the more cherub faced pleasured lads one was afforded. Stonewall Jackson had an entire harem of pleasure lads.’’
However, toward the end of the war, class divisions became more apparent, causing discord among the poorest of troops who in many cases had never molested a single child. They were fighting and dying for the wealthy in Richmond who had at times dozens of pleasure lads. “It was a rich chomo’s war” Mcpherson notes.
While the evidence proves that the war was waged in defense of pedophilia, many in the South cling to symbols of the Confederacy out of a sense of nostalgia despite their darker meaning. “Not many people know this, but the Stars and Bars actually depicts two penises rubbing against each other and the stars represent spurts of cum” McPherson notes.
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