Artist - DelaCanvas.com
Two and half years ago I was in Bali, Indonesia kneeling on the sandy shores of White Sand beach. I was staring through a tunnel of sacred geometry into the holographic sky towards the moon who was pulling me in like a lovers hot breath. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of connection to god. I felt gratitude beyond belief. I was graced by the recognition of how lucky I was to be alive. To be in that very position in time in space, I was in ecstatic joy. I was surrounded by my tribe; some of the most loving people I had ever been surrounded by, and I felt an utter sense of completion. I felt my desires for this life had been met. By this time I had already traveled to over 30 countries, fallen in love several times, and knew that if I was to drop dead right then and there; my death would be in peace. When people spoke at my funeral they would say “he had a life well lived.”
In a way, part of me did die that night. The part of me so focused on personal obtainment became whole, became clear, and I buried it in the sand, offering it to the waves. I howled out to the white luminescent moon, “thank you! I’ve done it. I’ve completed my mission. I’m yours!!!” There was a pause. It was the kind of silence that nourishes your stomach like a glass of warm coconut milk with raw cacao and spice. I continued: “I’m here for your service. Do with me as you must. I’m yours.” As dramatic as this sounds, it was probably a hundred times more dramatic. In my mind, which was now outside of my body, I had sent a clear message to the heavens above and the earth below. I had sent a message to god.
Since then, especially in this last year, I’ve slowly started to sink into this service that I offered. In the last year, I have become very present with the term “surrender.” I started my 2017 with a Kundalini awakening. It happened on January first and it sent me spinning into weeks of emotional and sensory overload. I was in love with an Italian supermodel, and despite this shift in my reality, I pursued her in the midst of my "awakening." I went back to Italy to be with her, but my dream of Italy, her, and experiencing “forever love” shattered into more pieces then a mosaic could ever re-assemble.
A couple of months later I returned to the island of Bali where I started a brand of vegan gelato, but the island violently ejected me (as it does when your time is up), but luckily I was carried away gracefully by angels. Escaping brutal forces of immigration, blacklisting, and deportation. Unfortunately, that story will have to wait until it is safe to tell.
I returned to the US, opened a vegan gelato parlor in Santa Monica, CA and again it disintegrated to dust before any pace could pick up. It's so interesting how life pushes and pulls and how we can choose to surrender to all of our experiences. All in all, in this last year, I have seen my darkest depths. I have seen my most heavenly light. I have lived resilience. I have experienced times of poverty. I have engaged in reaction, and I have found the darkest of my depths, black oceans with coral reefs of toxicity. They were almost all found in my reactions. My reactions were so deeply imbedded among the marine floors that it has taken me months to understand them. I have been humbled by them. In my awareness I have resurfaced.
I have learned about my prolonged ability to love. I have become empowered by my inner continuity. I have found compassion in mysterious places. I embodied love and learned how to move from kindness to service. Today, I learned a great lesson about service. Today, an opportunity came for me to once again become a student.
I was in a conversation with a toxic element, purging from another, and felt myself disengage. Suddenly a personal pattern was clear. I could see how my combination of kind language followed by an act of disengagement had become a safety mechanism and a norm in my life. I could see how this direction served me for so long, and how I no longer needed it.
Today was a day for evolution. The whole reason I wrote this letter/story/blog is to get to this point. Today I pushed past my own personal comfort to engage in the pain that was being directed at me. I did not burry the pain. I did not push the pain away. I did not defend myself from the pain. I made a distinct decision to graciously engage in conversation with this person’s pain, and to do so I had to completely remove ego, yes I had to remove all thoughts of self. I had to completely step away from right and wrong thinking, and listen.
Pain presents itself for a reason. Most of the time, our reaction is to avoid the conversation. We seek pleasure and avoid pain. The problem with avoiding pain is that it will keep coming back until it is heard. So I openly engaged with this persons pain. The key to my engagement was: calmness, compassion, loving kindness, and curiosity. I did not see this pain as a reflection of me. This pain was an energy that was desperate to be released. So I opened a conversation with the pain, asked authentic questions to the pain, and in my active listening, was able to suggest new perspectives.
In turn, the persons pain started to release. Within a few short moments, what had become a re-occurring act of violence, suddenly disintegrated into peace. I was shocked. What I pull from this experience is the true value of service. I learned that any toxicity brought to me can be seen as an opportunity for healing. Within my own boundaries; I can choose to engage, heal, and help release what others are carrying. My recent studies of psychology have given me another layer of intellectual understanding around what I feel is really my spiritual purpose.
I have returned to my studies of learning strategies for healing. I’m here to help myself and others transform and transcend their challenges into great opportunities. I’m here to help struggles become fuel for greatness. If you’re in need of this service. Please feel free to reach out to me. I can not guarantee that I have what you need, but I can guarantee an open heart, kind intention, and focused attention. I can guarantee a valiant effort and long studied strategies for supporting you to become the one you dream to be. The one you know you really are. Divinity.