Grateful for it all - 2021 thanks for the lessons, 2022 please be kind

I tried to think back to New Years Day 2021 and I have no recollection of what I did that day. I suppose it wasn't particularly memorable and I definitely had no inkling of what the year ahead would hold. I had had a rather rough year in 2020, but it was a walk in the park compared to what 2021 would turn out to be.

There are a few parts of the year that stand out to me either as exceptionally awesome or particularly destructive and there were a lot of grey shades in between. I can't say it was only good or only bad and while talking to my sister yesterday she read me the lyrics of that Stevie Nicks song above "Sometimes it's a bitch" and I think it is a pretty good representation of life and how there are so many colours that make up the painting palette of life, we have to take them all into account.

There have been some rather traumatic events and yet there were moments where I felt invincible. Perhaps that is one of the greatest challenges we face in life - the ebb and flow, the highs and lows, the monotonous lull of comfort when things are mundane and the chaos when things get shaken up and your life changes course forever. Those moments when you feel like you simply can't go on but you have no choice and the polar opposite when you can recline out in nature with a blank mindset and simply enjoy the state of being without having to rush off somewhere, do something, be someone....you can just BE.

I think that one of the greatest lessons I had to learn this year was that of balance and keeping some sense of equilibrium within my own being even when the world was tumultuous and filled with turmoil swirling around me. Of course there were plenty times when the turmoil was transferred from outside to inside me, when my heart felt like it was being torn to smithereens and dissolving to ash and dust.

I've reached in darkness
And come out with treasure
I've laid down with love
And woke up with lies
What's it all worth
Only the heart can measure
It's not what's in the mirror
But what's left inside
~_{Stevie Nicks}~

I also found the most ridiculous amount of resilience somehow and I remember having a few conversations about resilience through the year with different people and the fact that I never really feel like it's a quality I possess...perhaps 2021 was all about hammering it into me that I have it when I need it.

_{We made Halloween biscuits and ate pancakes for breakfast so there were fun things in between}

There have been dilemmas and predicaments, the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. There have been sleepless nights and groggy mornings, long days of physical and mental exhaustion. Then there have been days where I have been able to feel the wind in my hair and the freedom of letting go of burdens that weren't mine to carry that were passed along to me surreptitiously. I've come face to face with parts of my moulding that I never had the courage to challenge before and I've unraveled core beliefs and wounding that have lead me down dark roads. I've staved off depressive episodes by watching my triggers and adapting my coping mechanisms to find healthy ways of remaining focused on the path ahead instead of any of the damage behind me.

_{We went to a few new restaurants in Oudtshoorn and we found some new places in and around Knysna too}

I gave Lory more hugs and we played more games. We went on adventures and took silly photos. We made new friends and played hide and go seek. We chased each other on beaches and splashed each other with water. I have delighted in her laugh and felt my heart shatter when she cries. We have bonded over painful days and rejoiced through the happy ones. We have been closer the last few months than ever before. Through all of the dark days I experienced this year, I have been able to endure, to rise up and keep pushing forward for her even more so than for myself.

I made her a promise when she was born that I would be there for her, that we would have a good relationship based on understanding, love and respect - something I always wanted with my own mom but it never came to pass.

_{We ate sweetpeas right off the vines and harvested our own brocolli and spinach, we even grew a pomegranate fruit}

I've established a good relationship with my sister that I was estranged from for 25 years (not of my own volition) and while some people have left my life for good, there have been others that I have found along the way that I have enjoyed the company of. I've rekindled friendships of 20+ years that had fallen out of contact and felt that no time has passed at all even though circumstances are vastly different. There have been people that have surprised me with love and support and others that have disappointed me with promises that weren't fulfilled. For all it was only 365 days the same as every other year, it seemed to have been filled to the brim with challenges and accomplishments, some in a professional sense and some in a personal sense.

Of course there are parts of this year that I would love to have erased, but sometimes life doesn't allow you that luxury, so we will make do with what we have, expand on what we can, enjoy what has been good and build a new foundation. Hopefully a stronger one that's re-inforced with titanium this time. I am letting go of my wishes and wants from 2021 - all I want going forward is to allow myself the space and grace to focus on my family and my business. I'm don't have high expectations and I'm keeping is super realistic. If we have a year that is boringly stable, that will be welcomed with open arms by me.

You gotta take it as it comes
Sometimes it don't come easy
I've run through rainbows
And castles of candy
And I've cried a river of tears
From the pain
I tried to dance with what life had to hand me
And if I could
I'd do it all over again
~_{Stevie Nicks}~

xx Happy New Year to you all here on Hive, may 2022 be kinder to us all xx.