Trust and Distrast
Trust is the foundation that marriage rests upon, but when it is broken, it often remains that way. A spouse can forgive, but that painful experience will lurk in the offended spouse’s mind. They won't want to let down their guards for fear that it could happen again. For some, it is easier to forgive than to forget. Trusting and getting hurt is bad enough. Who wants to walk blindly and chance it to happen again? It is not uncommon for a wounded spouse to put up barriers of protection.
Distrust is very common between the spouses when one has cheated. Distrust is like padding to lessen the blow if cheating happens again. It is hoarded like rare coins and not easy to give up. On the other hand, it is certainly not impossible to trust again, but it usually does not happen easily or quickly.
One victim of cheating said that, after she reconciled with her husband, the effects of infidelity were like a beautiful wedding cake that had been snatched by a starving dog that got away with the tier, the crowning part of the cake. Getting the trust back was as likely as finding that dog and hoping that he would regurgitate the tier intact. The remaining cake was still beautiful, but the unforgettable tier, the most attractive layer, could be forever gone and sorely missed. How could a loving spouse take such beauty away from a loved one he promised to cherish? Such pain is often indescribable.
Lives Affected
Cheating doesn't only affect marriage. Cheaters victimize relationships with children, loving friends, other close family members, and themselves. Both cheaters’ families may suffer from pain, embarrassment, and awareness of community gossip. Such scandals seem to lower the integrity of whole families in communities. Even though this is stereotyping, whole families may suffer because of it. Children do not want their parents to suffer. Mothers and fathers do not want their married daughters to hurt needlessly. A good friend does not want to witness her best friend's husband in a compromising situation with another women. A cousin or an aunt does not want to hear gossip about their loved one from outsiders in the community. A grandmother does not want to discover that her prized grandson is a cheater. Young people contemplating marriage one day may lose respect for the union due to all of the infidelities in society, and celebrity gossip coming through the media does not help either. All of these visible experiences are painful for many family members and others to bear when going through the effects of cheating.
Children may feel that their father or mother, who has chosen another family, has traded them for other children. Children, often the most wounded victims, suffer many years at the alienation of a parent from the family. Many children suffer silently and, too often, blame themselves. Sometimes the trauma spills over into the rest of their lives in the forms of various dysfunctions in their own families. It is clear that the forbidden pair and the innocent spouse are not the only ones affected by the unfaithfulness. Domino effects of such trauma could affect upcoming generations without proper intervention. Counseling is vital at this time, but most families fail to see the need for it.
The effects of cheating on the spouse can be lasting and may forever change her outlook on relationships and life. A second relationship or marriage could suffer repercussions stemming from the previous marriage if the victimized spouse has not healed. Many second husbands have reported spousal punishment because of the previous husband's errors. These scarred women, often severely misunderstood, are said to be "angry," "bitter," or "mad" when they are actually afraid, wounded, and not healed.