One of the most controversial topics – mental illness. What is it really and have we truly understood how to deal with it?
Whenever I get sick, my husband Soorena always says – good, healing is happening. We tend to see sickness as something bad and something we should get rid off. But what if symptoms of „being sick” are actually just side effects of an actual healing taking place? And what if this could also apply to deppression?
I have experienced depression multiple times in my life and one thing I can say for sure – the worst part was feeling isolated. It is as if you live in a different reality than everyone else around you. People close to you want and expect you to be happy. Some will try to help you in all sorts of gentle ways while some might yell – just snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself! (As if you hadn’t tried that like million times already).
First thing that helped me was to know that, first, I am not alone in experiencing this on the planet. And though I will never meet the majority of people who are fighting this demon at the same time I am, I know they are there. And that feeling that someone else is out there going through the same thing, was very soothing. It felt as if I had an invisible circle of friends who GET me.
Fighting it only made it worse. Only when I accepted that I am in a very low place in my life and I should not try to get „better”, it started to transform on it’s own. Because I already felt isolated from my friends and family (even with them being around), I physically distanced myself from them for as much as possible. I went on long walks by myself. I stayed in my pillow forts as long as I needed, even if it was days (and one time – months). I allowed myself to stare out of the window numbly for hours. I wrote poetry, a sad, sad poetry. I cried a lot. I screamed into pillows. I forced myself to eat. I told myself that I can still kill myself tomorrow and made myself to go through just one more day – every day. I didn’t expect it to get better. I was okay knowing that this could be my reality from now on – and somehow, this very thought transformed everything. There was a sweet, melancholic sadness in this thought, the sweetness being this – it’s okay if I am never okay. I will still have myself. I will always have ME. And ME likes ME no matter whether ME is sad or happy.
And this is when I started to care for myself more. I started playing around with good foods – fruits, vegetables, cooking, taking pictures of my plates and bowls. When I went on those long walks by myself, I started running at times and later even played games with myself, like: can I run to that tree in less than 10 seconds? Can I jump on that rock? How far can I throw this stick? Can I jump over this tiny river? Life became just a little bit more sunny and I started to fall in love with my own company and those walks. Later those walks turned into brave attempts riding a scooter to far away places. I fell in love with being alone. And I realized that was the cure for me - I just needed someone to be okay with me not being okay. And that someone was ME. And ME gave ME all the time in the world that I needed and it was the best thing that I ever did for myself and I felt like, indeed, great healing had taken place. Go gentle with yourself too. Embrace those depressed aspects of yourself, give them time, give them what they need and love them back to Wholeness.
Blessings and love to everyone,
Annija xxx
Disclaimer: This is only one story and depression can have many possible causes, - some need to be treated by a specialist. See your family doctor or a psychologist to find out the cause and create a treatment plan. If you need someone else to talk to, reach out and ask for help. You won't believe how many people in the world are ready to be there for you.
Photo credits:
- Photo by Alexander Lam on Unsplash
- Photo by Eric Didier on Unsplash
- Photo by John-Mark Kuznietsov on Unsplash
- Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
- Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash
- Photo by Suresh Kumar on Unsplash