I have been a single mother for almost a year now. In this time I have experienced much happiness and relief from the darkness and despair of my failing relationship, but now there is a whole other aspect of my life where I am experiencing the deepest darkest mind game I have ever played.
Being a single parent can be a glorious thing. You have no one to fight or argue with. There are no expectations to have set for you or to have set for your partner. Things I need done get done. And the things I can't make time for are no longer a huge deal. How could they be a huge deal? I am only one person. There is only so much that can get done. And although there is peace of mind in these pieces of my life, now there is a dark cloud hanging over my head.
It's name?
The Future.
Here I am sitting on my day off while my child rests like the beautiful angel she is, and I am wondering what things can I bust out to relieve me for the next day, the next week, the next month.... the next year. Those of us who have children can't seem to grasp on tight enough to these moments that are speeding by. I feel like a week has passed, yet my child has gone from a one week old to a 4 year old.
The only things I can keep thinking are... will the rest of it go by as fast? Will it go by even faster? What have I to show for 4 years worth of time other than loneliness and scratches on my floor from not only my children but my own nails from scraping up every last penny?
I wanted to share with you some of the thoughts I have had the past few months. These thoughts haunt me when I am awake, and when I am asleep. When times are tough, the thoughts I have to bring no sense of peace but a sense of despair that is lighter than an unfulfilling relationship but darker than the night sky. The questions that go along with the thoughts that keep repeating over and over in my head with no answers in sight.
These thoughts are...
- I am a young woman of very few needs. A big fancy house is on no bucket list of mine, but a decent sized home or apartment or condo in a safe place is of no light cost. Having the ability to have good healthy meals to promote health and well being not only to myself but to my daughter is something I feel is very important. A reliable and safe vehicle which will include tax, insurance, inspection, gas, the occasional new tires, the more frequent oil change, and on top of that any unexpected things. Internet access, which in this day in age feels like a necessity for schooling, work, or socialization, which can be a rarity in the life of a single parent. A phone, whether it be a landline or a cellphone to contact family and friends in case of love or in case of an emergency. Throw into factor that I would like to have constant water, electric and whatever other utility I may need. The question I am getting to is...
Will I be able to support us on my own? Or do I need someone, a partner, to be financially secure?
AKA...
Is this idea of "I'm an independent woman who 'don't need a man'" actually realistic? Or is it a recipe for disaster?
- Is it safe to find love again? And if it is safe, will I ever be fully loved despite the fact that the love of my life (my child) has no genetic tie to my new prospect of a partner?
I put the question first because let's be realistic here. Single parents, raise your hand if you feel like a damaged good in one aspect or another. That's right... all of you did it. Now, I must admit that there are many aspects in my life by which I feel damaged.
One of them is my failed relationship. It has left me with no hope for the future. I've given my life, my love and my body to someone. As a result, we BOTH put in our nastiness into this love, and it was enough nastiness to rip not only us apart but the family we made apart. I feel like a failure in my ability to make things work well, but there is also a bitterness in my heart toward the idea of even possibly being able to have a relationship that will last. (Please remember, I'm only at the one year mark, maybe in a few years, months, weeks or days my opinion will change.)
The other aspect can go for both males and females... but especially females. What body is this? My postpartum body is... foreign to me. I've had a hard time relearning my self. Not only my visible parts, but my lady bits as well. I did have a human head come out of there. There are plenty of other things about my body that have changed, but the lady bits are a big deal! Again, am I damaged goods?
The biggest thing that instills me with total fear in terms of safety, will my daughter be safe? This is a sketchy world out here and we CANNOT be blind to the fact that young children both male and female are sexually abused every. single. day. I don't need to go into detail. These few sentences alone are enough to make me fear dating. (Cheers to another year of being single.)
- Children need constant attention and love to become good and secure adults, and I am exhausted. Between work, school, dishes, laundry, sanitizing kitchen and bathroom, keeping up with the bills, my child's cleanliness and care, my own cleanliness and care (always put on the back burner), cooking, nursing to wounds or sadness, teaching life skills, behavior skills, and regular education modules. Then there's keeping up with the few (or one) friendships you have, keeping in touch with family, and making any time that you NEED to have some sanity. Whew! I am tired on every level of my existence!
The question that haunts me? Am I ruining my child with my exhaustion?
On the days that I cannot watch Frozen, Trolls, or Moana for the (literally) 10th time today. On the days that I cannot chase you around the yard because my knees are so swollen and sore I can't do anything but sit and drink water. On the days that I cannot do anything but cry.... am I not giving you what you need to grow up into the person I dream of you being. Of climbing every mountain. Of chasing and catching every dream. Of you being fully happy and content.
These are my tough times of being a single mother. I push everyday to be as strong as I can be. To be the best I can be and all for her; the most beautiful and sweet blessing I could have ever dreamed of... but I didn't realize that with every sweet dream, there are fears of nightmares lurking around every corner of my mind. Cheers to you single parent. Cheers to me. May our fears die and our greatest dreams and fantasies of love, happiness, and prosperity be in our future.