If you read this knowing I have an open heart, you may just accept it.
In the Mom world, keeping the peace is important. Most moms empathize with one another because parenting is hard. We all, essentially, get it. The problem is, we no longer genuinely empathize but fear giving input. This new-wave-trend-concept of “Mom-shaming” scares us into thinking any input that may potentially conflict with what a mother is currently doing will hurt her feelings. All of a sudden, giving advice, educating, or giving feedback is “shameful.” This is - no pun intended - a shame.
Here is a story:
I was at an event with my father, husband and 1 year old. We waited and waited in line for Santa. In line, my baby wanted to nurse. I found a corner, my husband kept our place in line, and I nursed my baby quickly while he easily got distracted by everything going on around us. My priority was still nursing because that’s how my baby got most of his intake at that point in his life.
Emphasis: priority was feeding my child.
After we met Santa, I quickly went to the lady’s restroom where there was a spacious sitting area. I could nurse in private where my son would be less distracted. I met a woman with a three-week old daughter. She was bottle feeding her pumped breast milk.
She went on to tell me she wasn’t producing enough milk and had to use formula on top of her breast milk. Previous to this encounter, I had been watching this woman the entire night. She was the one with the cute newborn, of course. She didn’t attempt to nurse her baby once. The event was hours long.
When my child was three weeks, I was nursing him hourly - many times more - for hours on end sometimes. I wasn’t taking him to fun events and focusing on the agenda. I was focusing on him feeling safe in the world - on his needs being met. This alternative scenario, having a three week year old meet Santa and bringing bottled pumped milk to feed her was lunacy to me.
But, to “keep the peace” and to prevent her from feeling “shamed” I was quiet.
I was wrong. God, was I wrong and I will regret this always.
The doctors failed to inform her that the more she nurses, the more milk she will produce. She wasn’t even trying. I can assume from the amount I read on this, she pumps in order to identify how much milk the baby is getting. If her doctors cared about her priorities (giving her daughter breast milk), they would have educated her. She was sitting at an event for hours on end. She was misinformed - or never informed. She was told she wasn’t producing enough milk and had to use formula to compensate. Bottom line is, a majority of the time this is not true and the new mother just needs some loving guidance.
Some women do not produce enough milk, but it is much more rare than it is made out in the United States.
In reality, a baby is learning how to eat effectively. A newborn baby isn’t going to latch and eat what they need in ten minutes time. They are learning. As my doula told me, “sometimes you will be nursing that baby for four hours... and an hour after they are finished, they will need to nurse again.” It’s your full time job to keep that baby alive. It’s why a mother is a mother in the first place.
I wish I told this new-Mom what I knew. I wish I told her what my friends shared with me when they were not producing enough milk and successfully increased their supply.
End Sad Story
The problem is, our society made up this thing called, “Mom-shaming” and made up the slogan, “we are all trying our best.”
“Mom-Shaming” has essentially made it so well-intending moms can’t share what they know with less educated moms for fear of hurting their integrity. It has also justified feeling offended by thoughtful, loving, well-intended advice.
Sadly, these are the reasons moms aren’t sharing their world with other moms. It’s breaking down communication and a community of strong women. If mothers cannot openly share amongst one another, it makes us a weaker community.
On the slogan: I’m sorry, I’ve met a lot of moms. They are not all trying their best. “We are all trying our best,” is insulting to moms who are tirelessly meeting every single need of their child 24/7 around the clock.
The moms who are engaging their child at dinner time (and making their child feel like a part of dinner time), playing with them (getting on the floor and really playing with them), reading them bedtime stories, making up funny songs and dancing with their kids, explaining every single rule, situation, and scenario for their child to have a better understanding of the world... I’m sorry if this hurts feelings, but that Mom is trying a heck of a lot harder than the Mom who hands her kid a video on the phone every time parenting gets hard.
It’s insulting to say phone-Mom is making as great of an effort as me. I’m the mom running up and down hills hand-in-hand with her son at the park, going up ladders as many times as going down dirty slides, walking the aisles in the grocery store communicating every step of the way, co-sleeping until my son decides he is ready to sleep alone, explaining to him the chores I am doing and why, teaching him every second of the day while revolving that day around playing, reading, napping and diaper changes.
My priority is my son because he is a valuable person that my husband and I decided to bring into this world. My priority is helping him become a confident, happy, educated, healthy human being.
No, I’m not perfect. And yes, moms need a break once and a while to recuperate. But I’m not wasting the most precious moments of my son’s life checking Instagram. I still don’t really even understand what Instagram is... (i digress).
In the end, I don’t judge a person’s character for their decisions because, to be honest, I have never met another mother I believe is, for example, maliciously handing over her iPhone so their child feels without value.
I judge the habits. How often is the phone handed over? How often is a child plopped in front of the television?
There is a big difference in judging a person versus judging their habits. Besides, judgement is only the process of formulating an opinion. For example, I have decided to let my child wean himself from breastfeeding. Since I chose that, obviously I feel that is the best choice. Naturally, I feel mothers who never even want to try breastfeeding are making a bad choice. It doesn’t make them bad people. But isn’t it obvious I find breastfeeding valuable? Didn’t I already make that judgement from my decision to let my son wean himself? I’m not sure where the line is that it becomes offensive that I find breastfeeding valuable.
We have our opinion but we are too afraid to share it for fear of hurting another mom’s feelings. It’s inefficient, sad, oddly unloving, and breaks a community bond.