I was a very quiet and shy child that was very on the background
Let's go back a little in time.. Back to my childhood, I was a very shy child, and always very insecure about my looks. I was not the pretty girl nor the popular girl. But I was a smart girl, and did not have to work hard to get through my school years. It was very easy actually for me to pass my exams. I always had many interests, and liked many things, so even in my childhood I was having a hard time finding the path I was going to walk after passing my exams. So I did what all the other girls did, follow them to a school where most of the girls from my class would be going to school. Of course this was not very smart of myself, as I should have picked the school of my interest, but I had a lack of guidance from school, and really had no idea what those years in school would be like.
I became a confident outgoing girl
This school was good for me in a way, I learned working with computers, as I had never touched one before this was very helpful for the rest of my life (even now). But many classes were so terribly boring, that I did not pay attention anymore at a certain point. I kwew that second year I was never going to do something with that diploma, and I decided to start working. I loved having some money and this way I could orrientate what the future should bring for me. Easy said and done, I quit school, and had many different sorts of jobs in the years to come. In this period I wasn't the shy quiet girl anymore, but I became confident, and had lots of attention from boys. I loved it, I missed out a lot being the quiet shy girl those years before. I did seem to always click better with the boys from then on, as I was an open book at that time, the boys could deal with me being very direct much better than the girls.
Throwback to the first man that had me in his power
Unfortunately after a few years I also met this guy that changed me and took advantage of me big time. This guy was the world to me and I gave up everything for him. I had everything my heart desired at the time, even a boyfriend with a loving family that took me in as their own, but I fell in love hard, and I was sucked into this guy. By now I know this was all a big game, the guy was obsessed by me (even the last years before leaving Holland this was clear, even though we had split up over 10 years ago) and I seemed to be his special victim. I say victim as I was beaten up severely by him, every week at least once, and when the bumps and bruises were healed and not visible anymore, the next round came. I was surprised by my body to keep up with that kind of violence though. I kept standing up even though it felt like I was never going to open my eyes again. Enough about this one, the point about this part was, that he actually left scars on me forever. It was a twisted kind of love he had for me, he would praise me to heaven and 5 minutes later he would beat me half unconscious. But afterwards we would have had the most amazing sex, and this made me love sex, little did I know this was all a facade. He made me depend on him, it felt like love but actually it was serious emotional/physical and sexual abuse. I was his puppet and he was my master... I did not realize this until about 2 years ago, though. I found out after I had some serious problems having sex after I got flashbacks during having sex.
I needed a bit of time to recover from this toxic relationship
It had cost me about every friendship and the band with my family, as I tried to hide all the bumps and scars I got during the fights. And actually I was so damn exhausted of this 6 months of getting beat up, that the only thing I could do the next months was sleeping and eat sometimes. I decided this is not going to happen to me anymore, no guy will ever beat me again, and I will not let any of you guys close to me anymore, as I call the shots now. Pretty extreme yes, I know, but I needed to do this at the time. And out of the blue I met some people that were going to be very important for me the next years. One guy that helped me get back on my feet by even bringing me to my job every single morning before his work started. We went everywhere and I had a good time. I learned that there are men out there that have good intentions without wanting something in return for it. I gain back my confidence during that time.
Then I met the father of my 2 oldest children
And looking back I knew that I had to have red flags sooner, but I didn't. I loved his attention, but actually his approach to me was very similar as the other guy had. And he was very direct to me, in the months to come I felt on top of the world when talking to or about him. Soon I became pregnant of my oldest daughter. Looking back it seems like he had planned this all along, when I think back about the things he said, as they were the opposite what he did. I still was a strong woman, had a job, my own car, and a nice house. Actually my life looked much better than his at the time. He had his own room in a student house and he lost his job not too long after we became a couple.
As I became pregnant the hormones kicked in too, and I started to have some issues with his behavior as I did not feel as confident as I did before. Friends started to point out his behavior too, and I forgave him every single time, as I wanted to be a loving family so bad. But in that period he had told me that because we had some debts we should do something about this now, as we will be finished getting those debts gone when our daughter is still young. I agreed on this, so we went out for help to a department in the city.
This is where the witch hunt against me already had started
I had no idea back then, but it became clear in the last years in Holland, that he had started to make me look bad during that period we asked for help. He told me one thing, and when meeting up with social workers, he would tell them the opposite. I had no idea that he was playing these games with very bad intentions on the long run by then. But during that period he made me look bad having my own company. Because I was applying jobs for almost 2 years now, without success, and they told me I could start the web shop for income. And after a year they told me I needed to stop it, as this was not allowed, and then he would tell me he did not agree either and I should get a "normal" job. You know, one of those where I did not have any success of finding one. Important note about this period in my life is, that he would tell the social workers he was all in for the idea of getting the help, and he agreed on everything, but in the meanwhile he would spend all the money I saved with my hard work. And as a defense he would say: I earn this I work full time, you don't don't. (Actually I worked more hours than him mostly).They social work and him started to break my confidence down, but luckily I stood up for myself, as I had proven to be successful in running this company. Everything I accomplished was due to my strength. And I was proud of that. I had a vision and it worked.
Behind my back the witch hunt continued
Behind my back he would inform social workers that I was not cooperating and we could not start the process of getting help with those debts. Because I needed a normal job, but I did not give up my company. For none of them it seemed to be important that some months I made three times more money than him.. I kept telling them don't be stupid, if I close this company who says I will find a job now? And then I will be working for little money, and need childcare also because I won't be at home, it will cost more money than I will receive in the end. But they started to mark me down as a mother that did not cooperate. And so social work said we can't do anything for you anymore, and if you ever want to change this things, you need to get a special file from a special department called care guide. So there will be other departments involved, as you have a child now. At the time I did not care too much about it, as I could pay some of the debts with my income from the shop. But actually this was the time where my name got marked as a none cooperative woman. Not because I was talking bullshit, no, in that time I was pretty confident about what I did, and I explained them with all the evidence that I was telling the truth, that I was making more money than with a 9 to 5 job and my business was still growing. They never bothered to pay lots attention though, they just said: someone else decides I will tell them. And that was the end.
The picture they painted of me became clear when I got in the women's shelter
I needed to contact social work, standard procedure there. And then they told me sorry but you need to get there and there for a special care file instead of walking the normal path. At this point I was so frustrated about it, because I was in the shelter for a reason, because I wanted to cut the ties from the violent father, who had been manipulating me for years. But it still was not very clear to me that that period of the witch hunt had really been bad for me behind the scenes. I wish I had realized this sooner, but I didn't.
Then my dear friend of many years became my boyfriend officially
And he was one to be there front seat all the time before I left my home with the children and also during the shelter period. He saw that I went from a confident business woman with a good clear vision to a girl that was put in a shelter with two children, who were also taking her money and she would not be able to start that business again anytime soon. Because a while before going there I had quit the business as my ex left me with the children and I needed to be there for them(see other post). So that was already gone during that time.
My boyfriend is also an entrepreneur himself with many friends having businesses
And then he started to empower me by repeating how he felt about me. And those little normal things that I found smart to make money, he pointed out as genius ideas. I never looked at these things the way he did, actually. And because he kept repeating that he had great respect for me learning these things to myself and becoming successful at the business I started up with no invest at all, I gain back that power inside me. That confidence that I had skills. And not just 1 skill, I could do anything the only thing was that I needed to be passionate about it, so I would not lose interest too soon. He told me that he had a group of friends all entrepreneurs and some of them with great vision. He actually hated the guts of one of these girls, but he loved her spirit and had great respect of her getting shit done. He said that if they had a next meeting all together that I should meet them. He really really wanted me to get to know them, as they would tell me the same thing as he was trying to tell me. That I should not give up on my plans, and that there was a way out of getting welfare without following the steps of social workers and CPS wanting me to take.
I found back my passion during the time in the last shelter
And I also started to design a new web shop, and my boyfriend believed in me when I started this. I gain back the powerful thoughts of achieving my goals that I had put in the fridge before due to the situation. When I felt confident enough I saw what they were planning to do in the shelter. And I knew if I did not cut the ties then and there, I would not be giving any slack the next years to come to do as I pleased. And the whole goal should be to be that happy and confident mother again, that can take care of herself and her children. But they only wanted to have control over me and my income, in Holland this would have meant that I would have had a person telling me what I could (and especially) could NOT do during the time they had all the control. I know for a fact (I saw this with several other persons in the past) that once you get in that part of the system, you will be marked as one that can not take care of your own finances, and it is not as easy to get rid of this controlling person as it is to get one in your life. And on top of that, many of those persons seem to get people into more financial problems during the years, without the clients being aware of this until it is too late. And what happens then? They will be stuck in that system of total control for even 3 years more after this. This was never my intention to get sucked into this. I did not manage things very well during the time in the shelter, as they told me: everything is on hold until you are in the long term place, until then don't worry about it. Well I did, I saw what was about to happen to me, and I did not agree on this. I felt it was time to take back control right then and there.
I made plans how we would continue the situation and leaving the shelter
We did this in total secrecy so nobody would interfere in this, and I would have arranged it all by the time I would tell them. And we succeeded. I did not sign the documents about my financial control that the shelter wanted me to do. By that time I also found out that they told everyone this was mandatory, but it actually wasn't. They just made you believe it was, and if you would agree they would have another victim to control. But actually most woman said yes without hesitating because they believed they were there to actually help them get better and back on their feet. I feel for those women that will now have to deal with them controlling their lives for years and years, and maybe interference of CPS until the children are at the age of 18.
They took it like a champ or they at least made it seem like it
When I told them that I was going to leave I did not go into the conversation as if I wanted to discuss the option, I was there to let them know this is how it's gonna be, and you are not in the position to change my mind. We thought it all through very carefully until the last detail. And I even made sure that the welfare agency in that city paid ME the welfare that one month, and not to them, as I fooled them by telling them I had another agreement with them about this. This way I would have back a little of my money that they took from me. The welfare lady should have known better, but she didn't. This showed the social worker that I was not stupid and I really thought it all trough. In the meeting we had, she sat there with another person from the shelter, and they both were surprised as they did not see it coming, but we took control over the whole conversation so that they did not have the time to think and respond different than we wanted. This was actually how they played the game all the time before, and now I played their own tricks on them. We recorded the whole conversation as usual, and they only said they were happy for us, and wished us the best. Several time later they said that they didn't say this, and thought because they were with 2 persons they should change their reaction in the documents, not knowing we recorded it all. But I had it all arranged, and I was out of their hands just about a week later.
They make you believe they want to empower you, but that's a big lie
My conclusion due to own experiences is that CPS set up a game plan for women in shelters after violent relationships, that will get them back on their own feet. And they make it seem like they want you to be strong again, because you were a victim of a certain kind of abuse in the past. But when you do get back in your own strength, they don't seem to like this at all. What they do want is to mark you with some sort of diagnose like borderline, so you will keep making money for them. Because you will be a risk of falling back in old habits. They don't look at the progress you made on your own, and they never outline the things you accomplished yourself due to getting back in your strength. They try to convince you that you should follow certain courses that they have set up for the women, and if you feel like this is no help for you at all, because you are your own person that needs a different approach (like myself), you will be marked as one that does not cooperate with them to make progress.
That last social worker was the only one to pay her respect
I remember every name of every social worker I had to deal with. And some of them I really want to show in a few years how our lives will be then. I want to show them we are not made of bullshit, and we actually CAN do lots of things. And maybe even more that we are fighters and don't give up.
I remember telling the last social worker we dealt with that we were not going to return from Spain after our appointment date was approaching. I told her that I had several options of a job, but we were now running a complete hostel without any experience. Yes we actually did this, I will share this some other post, this was truly a once in a lifetime experience that gave us back a lot of power. Because who on earth were they talking about when telling people we are weak, as we are now in a country, without speaking the language, being somewhere deep in the Spanish mountains and now running this hostel with 11 bedrooms completely ourselves? It was never our intention to do so, but it was one hell of an experience. I told her this, and that we were considering the option renting it for a while if my other two job opportunities would not work out. And those 2 job opportunities were sounding very nice, as I had no diploma's or experience in that job field, but they were seriously considering me for the job.
While she of course needed to discuss this with CPS as she thought it would be best to shut the case, she said she'd come back to me about it. In the meanwhile I did sign my contract and told her about this. And then that one e-mail from her came, that I'll never forget. She said she closed the case, and that she wanted to express how strong she found it of ourselves that we gained back our lives, and got back on track all on our own willpower and strength. She said that we should be proud of ourselves in that situation, to be able to seek possibilities instead of giving up.
Actually this was one of the most appreciated compliments by a social worker for me personally. As we have had so many thinking knowing better/best even though us explaining that we already tried that. This was a breath of fresh air in social workers land for us..
What I've learned from this all?
That I should never doubt my gut feeling, my own strength and that I always should give things a try if I believe in something.
I am strong, and I will not be defeated by other people's limitations due to following a system of a government. I know better than that, I am better than that. I am a mother and I am a woman with many skills. Let's bundle powers with those that come on my path. As together we are stronger than anything you can imagine!
AnoukNox