Five years ago I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). This led me down the path of exploring medications to help ease panic attacks, anxious thoughts, and, well, all the feelings that come with anxiety. Medication is a touchy subject because there is a lot of stigma around taking medication for mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. Many people can be very harsh about it because taking medication in some people’s eyes means that there is something wrong with you. I have a healthy relationship with the idea of taking medication for my anxiety. When I first started the journey I didn’t want to be that kid who took “crazy people” pills, and I didn’t want to be judged by my peers and the people around me.
Regardless I started taking medication in the SSRI family. SSRI’s are known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and are often used for people who suffer from depression. “They work by enhancing the function of nerve cells in the brain that regulate emotion” (WebMd). A common theory about depression is that it comes from a chemistry imbalance in the brain. SSRI’s help balance that chemistry to improve mood.
Now the question some people might have is, “You have anxiety, so why are you taking an antidepressant?” The answer to that is antidepressants have been shown to be effective in treating anxiety and panic attacks. They have to be taken everyday in order to work for the treatment of anxiety and can take up to 4 to 6 weeks to help treat anxiety symptoms (Anxieties).
When I started this journey five years ago I started by taking Sertraline (Zoloft). When starting this medication I felt high. I could not focus on anything. My mind felt weird and even teachers were bringing up concerns that I was using drugs. Those I later found out were very common feelings when starting SSRI medication. Once my body stabilized I started getting unbearable headaches which is a common side effect of the medication. Even though it is a common side effect it didn’t mean I needed to suffer in pain just to have a stable mood.
Off to the doctor I went after maybe two months of taking Zoloft and I started my next journey on Paroxetine (Paxil). Paxil did not work at all, I felt very sick and got physically ill taking it. I took it for about three weeks before going back to the doctor and trying to find something else. My doctor thought our next option could be Fluoxetine (Prozac). Prozac is one of the more well known and used SSRI’s for the treatment of depression and anxiety. The only problem with this particular SSRI for me was that it caused me thoughts of suicide and homicide that I had never experienced before. I had never truly had real scary harmful thoughts about myself or other people until I was taking this medication. On some SSRI’s it is common for a 2%-4% increase of having these thoughts. Again it was about 4 weeks and I was back at the doctor but this time really terrified of myself. I wanted nothing to do with Prozac, and it is one medication that I do NOT recommend taking. However, I am not a doctor so if you do end up on Prozac and it works for you then I think that is great. For me it did not work. Lastly I started taking Escitalopram (Lexapro). I have been on Lexapro ever since. Lexapro is the SSRI that works best for my anxiety. The only two side effects that I have experienced is low lebito which is extremely common with antidepressants and fatigue. These were two side effects I was more willing to live with because they didn’t affect my day to day life too much.
As of today, I am still on Lexapro but I recently started weaning off my medication in October. The reason I decided I wanted to get off the medication was because I thought I had reached a point in life where I could handle things on my own. I also have gotten tired of literally being tired all the time. As a 22 year old I do not need to be sleeping 16 hours a day. I went to my doctor and we started the process. I went from my regular dosage of 20mg to 10mg. That drop was quite dramatic for me. I got very sick and very dizzy. Which is common when lowering the dosage of SSRI type drugs. They heavily recommend to NOT stop taking them abruptly for good reason. In about mid to end November I dropped again from 10mg to 5mg. I had the same issue of getting sick and it took me a while to feel better again. On 5mg I realized my anxiety getting extremely bad again. I do have a lot of good days where I am able to function and handle the anxiety as it comes. However, anxiety is coming a lot more than it used to when I was taking 10mg. It feels like I went 10 steps backwards. I have not been able to function. So that has led me coming up with a compromise with my doctor. Instead of going all the way back to 20mg or starting a new medication completely I will begin taking 10mg of lexapro and see how I feel after five weeks. My hope is that my anxiety will be under control without feeling impossibly tired.
I don’t see myself as a failure for not succeeding in getting off of medication. Of course I would like to live a med free life, but my reality is I can’t right now. It does not mean that in the future months or years that I won’t be able to try this process again.
The reality is some people need medication to function in the way society is set up. There should be no shame in using medications to help stabilize mood and help increase the quality of life. My personal quality of life has increased since being on medication. There is no reason to live life in emotional pain or in mental pain which is something I re-learned today when talking to my doctor. There is also no reason to put up with unwanted side effects. So as I continue my journey I will keep both of those ideas in mind.
SSRI
SSRI and Anxiety
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Image 2 Source: Escitalopram SSRI
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