I'm driving through the streets of my neighborhood, the leaves freshly turned red and yellow. I spot brown leaves swirling on the road, and all of a sudden I sense the image as something that is alive inside of me. That this whole world as I know it, exists inside of me, instead of outside as I have been led to believe. I start to wonder, what if what we perceive is outside of us, is actually the places in our mind, in our perception, that has been conditioned by forces and energies that aren't who we truly are.
I continue driving, but nothing makes sense to me anymore. I allow all vestiges of fear, of the layers of who I thought I was, drop away, as I speed away, into the distant roads stretched before me. As the orange glow of the sun melts into the horizon behind me. I wonder how I ended up here, how did my life lead me to this exact spot. I thought I had taken a wrong turn, I thought I had made one mistake too many. The stories of all the things I had done wrong, were swirling in my mind, a dull chatter in the background, a ache in my gut. I watched them, no longer believing they defined who I am and what I am capable of. I watch my mind take on the shape of those I converse with, seeing how my identity had been usurped by forces I had believed were more powerful than me. Not having the tools and awareness to recognize what in me is who I really am, and what has led me astray.
Its 20 years earlier and I am a child, inside a cave I have made for myself, out of a bush, that keeps me hidden from the outside world. I am glad to be alone, to be away from the world and its demands. Yet I can't help but feel that something is missing, that I am far away from myself. That my mind has become a place of refuge, just like my cave. Free yet captive. How do you explain that one? Free and yet imprisoned. Its no wonder we spend years, lifetimes searching for some kind of liberation. And yet so many seekers, do not understand what they truly seek. Sure, an end to their suffering, but they think that it is themselves that is causing suffering. So they seek to transcend who they are, never recognizing that the Truth will set them free. Never knowing who they really are, that they've denied the truth of themselves because they were never given the language, the knowledge, to understand and recognize who they are.
It is present day and I find myself back at the beginning, back at the home I grew up in. How far have I really come? Is life really a straight line that begins with birth and ends with death at the end. Or is it made up of cycles. Circling around ourselves for as long as we remember, perhaps all eternity. Spiraling away from what we know, then back again, into the center of our soul. To re integrate, re-remember, what we are made of.
I want my words to inspire, to transform those that read them, that come across them unexpectedly. Can I really change the minds and hearts of others through words. Can I really open my heart to the unknown, to the feeling of being alive in a world with no beginning or end, no answer or final knowing. All I want to do, is explore the wilderness, the waters that cascade down the sides of mountains that flow furiously cutting slashes through the landscapes, the courage to step outside the world as I know it and entering into the wild magic of my own soul. To empty out the muddy waters that beckon to drown me in chaos and overwhelm.
Its the heart that looks at the world as a story continuously unfolding in the most unusual magical ways. And yet when we are wounded, we get stuck in loops that feel like straight lines, pulling us into futures that threaten to kill us slowly. When in reality, we are weaving stories all the time, yet we get pulled into stories that are not us, do not belong to us, do not serve us. And we lose our way, and we think being lost is normal, is just how things are. Forgetting that all along, it is the stories in our hearts that renew our purpose our vitality. That awaken the sense of adventure and wonder that makes life worth living.
Will I allow myself to dream again, to imagine what life could really be. To find myself somewhere that is a safe haven, a beautiful home that inspires and brings shape to my creativity, that gives me the peace of mind and the clarity to see what wants to come out of me, that brings me recognition so my true gifts are brought out of me and shared, to the delight of many.