Prepare.

The first step to having fun at your dead-end job, is preparation. Find out how much you can drink without being sloppy. Dead-end jobs are WAY more fun with a responsible buzz on — especially waiting tables — I usually make more money too. Some people may prefer cannabis, but not this guy — has me forgettin' orders and shit, BUT I SUPPORT YOU. Pack some eyedrops in your apron for everyone's peace of mind.

Next, you're gonna wanna figure out how late you can come in without being reprimanded. Now, see how close you can get to that time EVERY DAY. It's exhilerating.

Learn Skills.

Acrobatics

Learn how to spin trays on your finger. It's easy to do with just a couple "slow-days" of practice, and it's a great way to amuse your coworkers or children. For bonus points, use a pen or chopstick to spin the tray (It's actually easier than on your finger). Also — if your restaurant has fruit, it's a fine place to learn to juggle.

I play a game when the restaurant's slow, called "How long can I spin a tray and walk around the restaurant before someone bothers me, or.... I accidentally..... throw I MEAN.... drop.... a tray on a child..."

Deception

Whether or not you want to, at a restaurant you WILL learn how to be fake. How to feign smiles and laughter. This is very useful in life for any situation you're not actually diggin, but you want onlookers to think that you ARE. For example...

• Hungover for Christmas morning church service with the family.
• Going to see your friend's band — Bon Jovary — at a dive-bar... and he asks you if you liked it??
• Attending Aunt Helena's 3rd wedding in 2 years...
• Taking a drug test.

GAME:
See if you can slip profanity into your server routine. My favorite....
"Would you like some more bread's dicks?"
Feel your smile turn from fake to sincere when they smile back and say,
"Why, yes please. I love your breadsticks!"

Another deceptive skill to learn in a restaurant is how to cleverly hide lack-of-hygiene.
Do you need to wash your hands if you have a towel to wipe the "dish-pit" juice off with?
Perhaps a quick rinse can dissolve suspicion?
This can be a game in itself. But there are really no winners....

How long can you not wash your uniform before someone notices?
Can the right dose of cologne replace a shower before work? How many days in a row?

Collect Trivial Items.

Does your job have seemingly limitless supply of certain items??
See how many you can collect over the time that you work there.

• Coasters
• ID cards
• Plasticware
• Candles
• Bowties
• Salad dressing

Bonus points if you can use them at home!!

Quit.

The most fun to be had at a dead-end job is quitting. There are many fun ways to quit — I'm sure many scenarios run through your head while you work, just like mine. My favorite way, nice and unconfrontational — write a poem and roll it up nice. Then tie it together and deliver your scroll to management. Walk out. IN SLOW-MO.

Here's one of my scrolls to give you some ideas....

It read:

It’s been a pleasure being a part of the Pappadeaux's crew.
There were many lessons learned, many friends earned too.
Now this day is upon us and I feel so blue.
Unfortunately it's time for me to move on, time for me to do what I’ve got to do.
For fear of causing disdain, I pass on my sorrowful plea in the form I think will cause the least pain.
This serving game isn’t for me. You see?
Too many people causing me misery.
Extracting my happiness like a fee.
And happy I shall be.
To the entire team I send my highest regards, I was only one ace in your deck of cards.
So shed no tear, have no fear.
Remember the good times filled with cheer.
Gratitude and respect I send with the upmost sincerity.
I’ll close with this to maintain brevity.
Stay strong my friends, ‘twill not be long before our paths cross ends once again.

If that's a little too tidy for ya, there are many more fun confrontational ways to quit.
For instance, when you are serving a table of assholes and just can't take it anymore, try standing up on their table — making sure to knock some food into the laps of said "assholes" — and begin a loud rant about how you shouldn't quit cause you need the money, BUT "THESE ASSHOLES RIGHT HERE" are SO unbearable that you just have to.
Then walk out of the emergency exit and set off all the alarms. IN SLOW-MO!!

Or you can pass confrontational, and get right to cynical...
Maybe your coworkers are the fuckwads.
In that situation, pick a victim. The biggest wad of all.
Snatch an item from them.
Run and jump on their guest's table to say something CRAZY like....

"THIS IS FOR GETTING HANDSY WITH MY DOG!"

or....

"THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T SHIT IN MY SINK!"

Proceed to burn the item while cackling with laughter.
Then run out of the emergency exit and set off all the alarms. IN REGULAR SPEED...

BOOM. Now you're having fun at your dead-end job.

....you're welcome.

@theAlliance