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It's not unusual, it's a common thing to get on one knee when a guy wants to propose and so did Teju. And then you ask that big question "will you marry me? "
When I heard the question I was stunned not because he is not a perfect guy who is wonderful and will make an amazing husband and Dad, not because he isn't financially capable of meeting the needs that comes with raising a family, not because I wasn't attracted to him, not because of his looks, I mean he is presentable anywhere. With a beautiful physique that suit my specifications and an amazing ability of understanding people, a very sensitive man indeed.
In the midst of our perfections are little foxes that reminds us that we are human.
Only a handful of people know he has a bad temper no one knew he hit me few months into our relationship, he has yelled at me and scared me to my very soul times without number and his use of abusive words especially to me were disheartening.
I remember when he started seeing a counselor for help, it was like it was working, a fortnight after he started the session, he had slapped me hard on the face over a sarcastic comment I made... I forgave, that's what we are taught to do; forgive 70 ❌ 7 times. It was a mistake after all.
And then it happened again, am sure you know that when something repeats itself it gradually becomes a habit.
He apologized and we moved on, he kept attending his counseling sessions and reading books recommended by his counselor.
One thing he didn't know and I never told anyone about was an oath I made years back that I will never marry a man who hit me, be it in error or deliberate.
I Stared for a while, my friends, his friends and a few strangers watched, phones were flashing lights, cameras rolling. To them it's epic, it's amazing to see two people in love and then when the guy decides to propose that means something even bigger; a wedding
To me I was wondering what will I say? what should be my answer? yes or no
Any girl will say yes to a guy fitting his description but am not any girl, am about to commit to a relationship that has had its own civil wars and I needed to know if I was emotionally, mentally and physically ready for it. Ready for what lies ahead.
I pondered over his question, phrasing it over and over again, Is he the man for me, that person I have earnestly prayed for from youth?
Yes, the word perfect is an abstract one but am I willing to say Yes to this man when my heart beats otherwise. My heart beats for the fear of the uncertainties that lies ahead, signs I had seen in courtship and endured, was I ready to endure some more in marriage?
He looked at me, he needed an answer, I could see hope in his eyes. He wanted to hear a Yes. He seemed sure I would say a yes. My friends were cheering me to say the big word "Yes"
I looked at the ring, it was beautiful and the stone was a big one, it must have cost him a fortune, the whole proposal party must have cost a lot as well because it was a surprise I never saw coming.
"now is the time you give an answer, this is not a suspense movie" Kike, my best friend whispered in my ears
If I say a Yes, a wedding will be in motion, everyone will call me lucky. But none will be there to face the battles with me.
The smile on his face faded and I could hear the cheering quieting out. His he worth the journey? should I stick with him, so far he seem to be improving, but how long will it take before he goes back to his old ways, am I willing to wait and endure all. Do I have the strength as others who stood and helped their loved one get out of their weaknesses. The truth is, its better to be safe than sorry.
If you were in my shoes I guess you would give it a try, right? We are human and we should manage what we have while we have it.
Well I can't settle for less, I want what's mine and I want the best. I don't want to go down this road and in 10 or 15 years (if it last that long), I will be divorced or separated, in a mental home or even worse dead.
Truth be told, you can only tame the beast of assault and domestic violence for a while, there is no cure, therapy will make it dormant for a while, When the time comes it will wake up. This is no beauty and the beast story or some cartoon, that always end with "happily ever after". This is reality.
With teary eyes, I said a silent No and walked way.
Say the NO now before it becomes too late.
Written my Oyelade Josephine
There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end are the ways of death.
----Prov 16: 25