Recently in my last post, I opened up about my relationship with my parents and what I feel about their occasional toxicity and how I find myself in a weird situation where I love them even if they are often emotionally unavailable for me.
While discussing the topic and sharing stories with other people in the comments, someone suggested that I should also write about all the positive influence that a good parent can have on their children.
But as I thought of writing about the same, I honestly felt a little "unqualified" because like I said, I don't exactly know what it's like to experience receiving emotional attention and involvement from your parents in early teenage.
So, I instead thought of what I would love to have in my relationship with my parents, along with a bunch of other things. That's why the title of this article is what it is. I'm going to share some of my personal opinions on the concept of parenting.
Care, but with caution.
There aren't many things in this world as wonderful and pleasing as the unconditional love of a caring and comforting parent for whom, you are their everything. But sometimes, caring too much can have an opposite outcome.
I know a ton of people my age whose parents treated them as if they are a blessing to mankind. They were constantly treated as the center of attention, and though parents do this with a good intention, this often leads to creation of a false illusion in the mind of the child that they are superior than others.
Saying this from personal experience, these kids usually grow up to be bullies as they see themselves as more deserving of respect and attention without actually earning that respect. They crave for recognition more than they value moral integrity.
To avoid such happenings, I think the best way is to care, but with caution. What that basically means is, to comfort and show affection to your children, but to also be mindful of their actions and to not justify their bad behavior just because they are kids.
Hold tight, but also let free.
This one is something I personally struggle with. Parents, where I live at least, usually have this strong expectation that their children will stay with them forever. Well, hate to break it to you, that ain't gonna happen and it shouldn't either.
Parenting isn't about just holding your kids near and dear to your heart, but also about letting them free when the time comes so that they can make their own decisions, their own mistakes, and learn from them.
If you are always there to guide them and tell them exactly how something should be done, they will never be able to truly learn anything because they won't make any real mistakes, and as we know, mistakes and failures are the real teachers of life that help you grow as a person.
This is something I've been trying to explain to my mom for quite some time now. I tell her to let me do my own thing and let me fail if I do because that's the only way I will actually grow and become my own adult self. I've seen a lot of subtle signs that hint at the fact that my mom is somewhat scared to see me become independent.
Teach, but also listen.
This is where the 'parenting skill' part comes in which I also talked highly about in my last post. Essentially, parents often build up this illusion in their head that they are far more knowledgeable about parenting than they actually are.
This illusion unconsciously makes them think as if they have the privilege of always being right. And as we know, a parent who thinks that they are always right about everything and doesn't have any room for criticism, is a shitty teacher.
There are a ton of things that a parent can also learn from their children if they pay close attention, and willingly and attentively listen to what their kids have to say. Oftentimes, I feel like my parents don't know me well enough because they are usually ready to teach morals, but rarely ever willing to know more about my personal life.
Family, but also friend.
The reason why a lot of us are more open with our close friends than our own family is because, well, we fear being judged and looked down upon by them. Friends usually are more easier to talk to because we don't really feel the need of their approval.
But when it comes to parents, it becomes really important for us that they approve of our actions or forgive us if they don't. With friends, the consequences of disapproval are rather lower compared to family and that's why we feel safer to open up about our deepest secrets.
This is something I wish a lot of parents understood. The reason why your children don't share their life stories with you that much is because when they did so before in the past, your overreaction scared them so horribly that it left a mark on them and left them afraid of your anger and disappointment.
To counter this, to make your children feel safer when sharing their life stories and secrets, what I highly recommend doing is practice empathy. Try to see things from their perspective and understand why they did what they did by asking them questions in a way that makes you appear more like a friend than a parent.
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- Real Talk #2 - The Pain Of Loving A Toxic Parent
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