"When pestered with questions, memory is like an onion that wishes to be peeled so we can read what is laid bare letter by letter" — Günter Grass
If I asked you right now, who are you, what would you answer? Not your gender, not what you do for work, or the position you occupy in your household. Who you are. As for me, I've never been sure of what or how to respond to that particular question. It's not exactly that I don't know who I am (which I might not know yet, being honest). It's just that I wouldn't know how to express it to another human being.
What would be truly important, in my humble opinion, is for us to be able to answer that question to ourselves. Do you know who you are? I think the society we're living in is making it increasingly harder to find out. We're fed up with all these lies, bombarding us from everywhere, just to move the wheel of the algorithms. And, if you're keen enough, you might have realized that the machines we've built now learn a zillion times faster than us, poor humans.
Looking back, I'm confronted with the terrible reality of not knowing who I am anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did. I can't merely be the scattered pieces of a thousand broken glasses, can I?
That quote comes from my intro post. I came to HIVE not knowing who I was anymore, and I'm proud to say I've done some progress, even though I could not explain it to you. Most of the work has happened backstage, where you would never take a peek. In the privateness of my chaos. In the beauty of the light, too. And yesterday, I came across a piece of advice that I think will mark a before & after for me. I wish to share it with you, in case you're still wondering how you would answer the question I mentioned above.
How to find out who you are
There's a therapist whose work I've been tracking for a while now. He specializes in advising people on how to form safe, secure, loving bonds. It's only natural that the first step before truly loving someone is to truly love yourself, and how could you if you don't even know who you are? So, a lot of his patients often ask for some advice on how to find out who they are. And what does he say?
If it's challenging to find out who you are, find out who you're not.
I can't say this would work for everyone, but I'm more than willing to give it a try. I've decided to start journaling, a little bit every day, about all the things I've been conditioned to believe but aren't truly me. For example, I've always thought that having a college degree is a synonym of success, and I've mortified myself for being this old and not having it. But do I really need to get a degree just because society tells me so? Even though it's not something I want to pursue later in life? I love learning, and I'll do it accordingly to my interests. Yes, I'll probably get the damned paper from a college. And when I do, it'd be in a career I love.
I intend to reflect on all of the beliefs I've made up throughout my life, about myself and all the choices I've made. Slowly, bit by bit, I'll remove what feels incongruent to who I really am, and everything that lights me up will stay. For example, I know for sure I want to be a mother. The thought of having a family, and doing it right, lights me up. I don't know if I'll ever get to fulfill that dream, but I'm 100% sure it's part of who I am. In this process of writing down everything I am not, peeling away the layers I don't want to keep carrying, I hope to become aware of who I really am at my core.
What are your thoughts on this? Would you try journaling to find out who you are? Perhaps you're already pretty sure and don't need to delve into it. Either way, I'd love to know.
Günter Grass, one of my favorite writers, was a German novelist, poet and sculptor, with an artistic vein that allowed him to process and understand the events of his life. The outbreak of World War II happened during the last of childhood years, and it was only in 2006 that he wrote his memoirs from that terrible time. Peeling the onion. I found his work admirable; having the courage to disclose to the world the worst things you've had to do, in the spirit of finding out who you are, it's truly something to look up to. I'll quote him again, to leave you with his message for posterity. I hope you find it as valuable as I did.
When pestered with questions, memory is like an onion that wishes to be peeled so we can read what is laid bare letter by letter.
Source of the image:
📷 by mart.production
I'd like to thank you for reading this. I hope my words resonated with you in some way. If they did, or even if they didn't, I'd like to further connect with you, so I invite you to drop a comment and I'll answer it as soon as I can.