This week has been a rollercoaster; it's twisted and turned, gone up and down, careened out of control and has slowed to almost a stop. My last two posts tell, in very basic terms, why and today I'm left feeling fragile, a little broken and very sad, but grateful at the same time. It's an odd combination of emotions but life delivers an odd mix of ingredients at times, and all we can do is combine them and lean forward into life hoping we create it the best way possible.
Last weekend was a special one for my man and I; we went out and celebrated a special event with dinner at a favourite restaurant. You can read about it here. We had a nice night and put aside other troubles that were not too far away in the future.
On Monday the future became the present and those troubles arrived with it, you can read about that here. Since then, the week has been that rollercoaster I mentioned and, whilst we knew this moment would come, I wasn't prepared for it to leave me so empty inside. I've done a lot of crying and, together with those dear to me, a lot of talking also.
I took this image
Along with an impending end of life scenario, comes so many elements; they seem to come from all angles and a discussion about one thing, maybe even resolving it, often brings others that need to be brought into the light of day. It's been this way over the week and will be so, moving forward too.
I've not wanted to be too pragmatic about matters this early, and have been guided by my mother, however she is a very practical woman, a learned trait through having to deal with the tragic loss of my father so early in their marriage, and this has meant various practical discussions have occurred. Her forthright manner has helped, as has the way my man handles things. He's a fixer, like most men, but he has the uncanny way of saying things by not saying them, and pushing or pulling, at the exact right moments; he also stays quiet at just the right times too, and it's all been of great comfort. It has eased the passage from what was, to what is and what will be.
Today my mother and I made a resolution not to speak of the future; rather, we decided to ignore it for a day. Of course, neither could truly ignore the situation, but a concerted effort to live only in the moments which we chose to create seemed like a good plan.
We had a beautiful day together beginning with breakfast, browsing shops, a little walk in the park and then a light lunch in the early afternoon. Along the way we talked about crafts, discussed the merits of the various things we saw, like how one might use the feathers you see in this image, and a million other things besides. It was the day we both needed.
Later, I was left thinking about closeness; I don't necessarily mean physical closeness though.
I thought about the amazing ability two people have to feel joined, like soul to soul, and how that conjoining enables one to strengthen the other so that both may cope better with the challenges they face together or individually. I also smiled inwardly at the way two people can feel at one through the memories they collectively create. It was a nice moment to acknowledge.
Memories have the power to defeat time, in my opinion. They can take one back to a moment long past, and can cause one to push forward into the future; hopes from the past work in the present to bridge the gap to the future I guess. I feel that's what my mother and I did today, and I feel better for it.
It's been a very sad week, but I feel grateful to have lived it with my mother and to have had the chance to create some memories with her that will endure.
Becca 💗