Mental Illness Is Part Of My Life, But It Doesn't Define Me
I personally feel that there is a double standard when it comes to things people take medicine for. Nobody bats an eye if someone tells them that they need to take insulin to regulate their sugar levels. But if someone openly told them they were taking an antidepressant for a chemical imbalance, I can guarantee there are those that would now view that individual in a different light.
Before I continue, I’ll share a bit about my own personal struggles with anxiety and depression and I hope that it will be a comfort for those who struggle in shame and silence all alone.
For me anxiety and depression is a pretty normal part of my every day life if I am not taking medicine. My body does not produce the correct levels of serotonin in my brain that many people naturally experience. This leads to mood swings that can bring me to extreme highs and a feeling I can do anything. Almost a “God” like Mario Star Power invincibility mentality, to being so low I feel it doesn’t make a difference if I get out of bed because nobody cares.
Depression and anxiety feed off lies and for people who are bipolar, this can cause extreme duress. From fourth grade until now, I have run through a long list of doctors and psychiatrists. Some are far better and more caring about their patients than others, but every profession has good and bad workers under the umbrella of their professions name.
The decisions I made when struggling with the highs of feeling invincible could easily have ended my life, from driving under the influence, to losing my life savings gambling. Without the support of family, friends and my dog, I know I would not be here today. Those highs are always followed by extreme lows, due partly to the things I did when I was in that "invincible" state. What a life I would have wasted if I were not to be here today.
For me what worked is a combination of medicines and cognitive therapy. I currently take sertraline (generic Zoloft) and Lamotrigine (generic Lamictal). I’ve done some writing and journaling and reflected on what I’ve believed when in a state of depression and contrasted it with my feelings now. Suffice it to say, I was feeding myself lies, since I am not the worthless failure that depression and anxiety made me believe.
I’ve tried going off these medicines with disastrous results. Each time I did, my depression and anxiety got to the point where I questioned why I continued minute by minute to make it through a day. Medicine is a part of my daily life the same way insulin is to a diabetic. If all I have to do to maintain a healthy balance of chemicals is take a few pills, then I will gladly do that for the rest of my life.
While I do not wish anyone goes through anxiety and depression in the way I have, I am thankful for the empathy is has brought to my life. I’ve been able to comfort friends from shared experiences that simple nice words wouldn’t cut.
I would guess it is akin to having a baby. Other moms can relate to one another and share a common experience. Guy can’t understand what a woman goes through during this time, no matter how much they wish they could. It’s something only another woman can do to quell the fears of a mom to be. Me telling a pregnant woman carries no weight behind my words. The mother of five or six kids comforting a soon to be mom makes all the difference in the world.
While mental health discussions are not mainstream, I hope this gives some other people the confidence to share their own stories. Everyone has value. It doesn’t matter if you are homeless, schizophrenic, disabled, bipolar, or any other thing that people may look down on you for. Whatever your personal struggles are, I hope that you will take some time to think about what you do that brings value and what you have in your life that you have been blessed with.
Make a list if you have to of important friends in your life and things you have enjoyed on this earth and a few goals that you can hit in the near future, and a few long term ones as well. (If you are reading this post, count it a blessing, because many don't have access to technology like the one you are on). Life is too short to worry too much about what others think.
I’ll end with my original title. I’m Bipolar – So what? That is not what defines me. That is only a small puzzle piece that does not show the final big picture that is me. I encourage others to share what they may be struggling with all alone if they find the strength to do so, because not only is it therapeutic to you, it may offer hope to someone in a time when everything seems futile.
If this article made you think in a way you haven't before or inspired you, please follow me HERE. I try to cover many different types of content so even if you do not struggle with a mental illness, hopefully my future posts will peak your interest.
