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Sigh... that was a bit of a traumatic day in this last week. As part of my job teaching and guiding university students, I have to also submit assessments of performances, and also individual assessments of students based on their contributions throughout the semester. Of course, I have relatively clear assessments and opinions on fellow musicians and students as well, but those I generally keep to myself and I don't have to really articulate them to anyone. Plus, for students, I can see those personal private opinions on their ability and awareness as points for improvement or teaching.

However, when you are doing these snapshot assessments, you really are assessing the person/ensemble with a marked grade... and some paragraphs of justification. And that is really quite difficult... after all, for a subjective sort of thing... how do you really manage to put a number on it? A rough range perhaps, but I've found that for some things... I have a different balance of what I find important to the performance of music in comparison to what my colleagues might find important... again, not a huge deal... but it does often change our perceptison and rankings of what is "better" or not.

So, the performance assessment was done as a panel... and as the more junior member of the panel, I voiced my opinion, but didn't press it too hard.

However, I had to provide individual assessments on all the students that I had guided throughout the semester... and here, this was a good deal more difficult. This was the task that I had been dreading and putting off for a few days...

Providing feedback is generally easy enough when it is in person, but when it is written... well, it is much more difficult, as you don't want to muddy the message... but you don't want to be too harsh or convey the wrong nuance. In person, it is better... you can easily explain or rephrase to avoid confusion or accidental miscommunication.

... and then there was the issue of exactly what NUMBER to attach to the assessment. In some cases, it was easy... clearly good students that performed and learnt to a high standard. Some where mixed... with strengths and weaknesses, but how to weigh these different factors up? And then there were those who were clearly letting the team down... perhaps not through intent or lack of trying, but just were at this particular moment, out of their depth.

This was the real dilemma... I could see that the students were trying and attempting to rise to the challenge.... but not always making it. I was told that I should mark on what I see and nothing more... and I agree completely... if it were someone else's student! However, I have grown close to the students... not as friends, but I want them to grow and thrive, and I don't want to stomp on them for trying... but not quite making it.

But, I also know that it is also a disservice to give false hope... that is perhaps even worse, despite the fact that it makes you feel less bad in the short run... it can mean that the student is in for a real shock when reality hits.

Sigh... to write about 10 reports... I took an entire day... agonizing over every word I wrote, tweaking marks here and there. Even at the end, I felt sick for the reports that weren't completely glowing. I feel like I had betrayed the students... assessing some poorly, whilst trying to encourage and bolster them throughout the semester. It feels two-faced... but I really was being honest in both situations... with the encouragement during the semester, to try and help them to grow and learn... and with the somewhat tempered assessments.

I've been told that this will get easier over time... and I really hope it does. I guess this is also explains a bit why lecturers and teachers keep a bit more distance to their charges... to avoid the pain of having to be the harsh voice to someone who trusts and learns from you.

I'm not a horrible person... I know that (at least, I figure I've deluded myself to believe that!), but I did come away from this particular experience feeling a bit like a monster.

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