I'd never seen Sharknado before, but have, of course, heard of it. How do you avoid something so infamous? I'm a sucker for films that are so bad they're good, so I decided to watch this classic and write down my thoughts as I went along. I've only done the first twenty minutes because the entire film would have taken hours and while this was fun, Sharknado wasn't as good-bad as I'd hoped. If there are any other films that you think are worth watching, let me know!
So here we are, the thoughts that popped into my head as I watched the first twenty minutes of Sharknado.
- I'm assuming it hurts a shark an awful lot to be flung around in a tornado. How many of these sharks have died in the air? How many dead sharks are in this tornado?
- Who came up with this idea?
- Okay, now we're twenty miles off the coast of Mexico. That's fine, I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the drastic change in visual style. I could pretend that the sharknado in the previous shot was real for the sake of the story before, but you're making it so much harder by switching to a real camera shot. Am I now supposed to believe that the previous shot was just a vision of what's coming?
- Lots of dead sharks. Is the sharknado a karmic revenge against the human race for killing so many sharks?
- What's with the weird, kind-of-grey tint?
- Why is a business deal taking place on a boat? Why not meet in an office where they have access to the outside world, rather than an isolated boat in the middle of the ocean? Unless Captain Santiago is going to kill this guy. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised, but it seems like a bad business decision on the other guy's part.
- See? He just pulled out a gun and there's nothing Palmer can do to stop him. Keep your business in the office, pal.
- The dialogue hasn't been great so far to say the least, but "They're waves, they do that from time to time" has marginally redeemed it.
- First death of the film. Almost elegant in how unbelievable it was.
- Okay no, I just saw the shark swallow the guy in a weird wiggling manoeuvre. Strike the elegant comment.
- Why would you try to run away from a guy on his own boat? Even if there wasn't a storm, you wouldn't be able to get back to shore without him. Where are you going to go? I'm sure he's just going to get eaten by a shark, but this guy does not seem to think things through.
- I'm sorry, you're going to take the cargo, money and ship how? Who is this guy?
- I'm really not sure what just happened. Did the boat get sucked into the sharknado? Why was it so still? The captain was totally still while the shark went back and forth against his face. I'm making mental allowances for the crappy special effects, but he could have at least stumbled a bit like he'd been doing before.
- "There's something unnatural about everything." I feel like this guy is going to have the weirdest lines. I'm excited.
- DOGS.
- Oh my God, those dogs better not get hurt. They deserve to have a good time at the beach.
- I'm not interested in whatever romantic subplot the girl surfer is probably a part of, just show me these two dudes falling in love on their jet ski.
- Okay, good to know everyone hates sharks. It's unfair, but good to know. I'd definitely pick a shark over this creepy older guy.
- The surfer girl reminds me of a Power Ranger. I want good things for her.
- This shark seems to be all over the place; in front of her, behind her, far away, really close. No wonder she's afraid, this shark can teleport!
- This is the second time there's been an underwater shot of sharks swimming toward (and then past) the camera. I get the feeling it's going to come up every time someone dies. I let it go when it came up the first time, but why would the sharks swim past the victim, wouldn't they be going straight for the camera?
- Why is he not moving towards the water instead of just yelling "Sharks!"? He'd be safer and be able to help others if he got on his board instead of just floating there.
- There is no way a shark could be in calf-high water without being seen. Let it get the guy standing there, sure, but at least show the shark. Or are nano-sharks a part of this story?
- Oh yeah, NOW the guy on the jet ski comes to help is friend, after three people are killed. Why has he stayed so far away until now? Has he just been floating, like his friend?
- Did that shark have no eye? It genuinely looked like the plastic eye socket had just been left empty.
- This film seems to have a real problem with deciding where people are. When Baz was getting his leg bitten off they were really close to the shore, but now it's taking them ages to get back to land.
- Can you use an apron as a tourniquet? I thought she was reaching to take her bikini top off, so I suppose this is the best option she had available.
- I can't understand why any of these people are saying what they're saying. It's like they all had to decide what to say before the conversation started.
- The amount of inconsistencies in this film is reminding me of Scooby Doo. Different colours for each camera shot, a shark on tiles wiggling towards a woman who's crawling along carpet... This feels like the filmmaker's equivalent of not proofreading an essay.
It was at that point that I stopped watching. Maybe one day I'll get to the rest of it but for now, I will never know how the state of California survived a sharknado...
UNLESS THEY DIDN'T?