Introduction to Break Up Survival
Break up is never easy.
We all had one and we'll all never be free from it unless the relationship is permanent. Some people handle it fairly well, and others just crumble. It can completely destroy a person, rip one's soul, and shut down all the inner drive and motivation to do anything.
Recently, my long time friend broke up with his girlfriend. He lost 16 lbs and called me every other day for at least half an hour.
He has met his ex for three years and they both initially thought of getting married to each other from the start. But things fell apart. They'd both tried hard to make it work, unfortunately, the relationship came to an end.
He struggled, I mean really struggled. By just hearing his voice over the phone, I could fathom how much pain he was in.
It's been about 40 days since the break up. Luckily, he's doing much better now. There were many times when he freaked out all of sudden and about to give up everything because he couldn't push through. A smart disciplined guy who has just completed Ph.D from one the most prestigious school in the world.
But, break-up was enough to knock him out on his knees.
I know how exactly it feels like. As a matter of fact, I understand his situation as if it's my own. He called me not because I was infallible but at one point, I was seriously vulnerable.
Embarrassing to admit as I write regarding the topic, about 6 years ago, I'd attempted suicide because I couldn't deal with a break-up that almost cost my life.
Last Saturday, he sent me a thank you message saying that he's doing much better. As I look back, the hard time that I endured has not only helped me to grow, but has cultivated my understanding of a person's vulnerability under such circumstance.
6 years later after my not-so-proud moment, I still struggle when I break up, but I've learned ways to deal with it within a week.
For someone who might be going through similar experience like my pal, I would like to share things that we've touched on during our phone conversation.
Hope it helps.
Depending on how much you know about yourself, it might be a long journey of recovery, or fairly a short one. Although the title reads "How to Survive from Vicious Break-up", I don't mean to suggest that there is an instant cure-all.
That being said, no matter how vicious the break up is, there is a way to climb back up from the sh*t hole. What makes it even beautiful is that you'll be getting out relatively faster and you are going to gain something indispensable from the experience. Just to give you heads up, I don't think borrowing the power of substances or violence is something we should consider at all. Going into self-distraction mode is out of the question. Rather, I want to focus on how you can view a break-up so that it empowers you.
There is no fixed way of getting around this. Some people recover by constantly dating new person, being immersed in new hobby, or working out. Other people just intentionally drop themselves into abyss until they are sicken by their own miserable reflection and pull themselves back up. And many, if not, the majority just wait until time takes care of it and flushes away.
What different forms it may take, ultimately it boils down to three approaches: to distract, to wait indefinitely, to attack.
So, which one should we choose?
First, waiting indefinitely is not going to be your best bet. You never know how long it's going to take and the worst part is your giving up all of your control. Obviously, you have to be aware that it takes time to recover. But solely relying on time to be your cure is the approach that your are going to gain the least in the process. And in worst cases, you never do. So screw this.
I don't oppose to the idea of distraction. If you are in the right setting where you can leverage things like new hobby or sports, it's actually beneficial. Some people can use their work as distraction and stay productive. But it has critical shortcoming. You might not have anything that is sufficiently interesting to get you distracted. And distraction only works when you are engaged in the activity that helps you to forget about the break up. It's effectiveness comes and goes fast.
We are now left with one way, "to attack". Yes, this is the only way, the golden ticket if you will. But don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "get your sh*t together and suck it up". I hate it when a person discounts all the human-ness.
If you have not cultivated a skill to attack, most likely asking someone to take out and gather all the will power is a total bullsh*t. Using sheer will to completely erase memory is a non sense. Just like when you ask a person not to think of something, you end up thinking nothing but that one thing.
Notice I said attacking is a skill. It's something you can cultivate. The best part is, it requires no natural toughness. You don't need to be tough, cold-hearted, with zero emotional vulnerability. It's attainable by anyone. That includes you, too.
Ok, so how exactly are we going to attack?
Before we go deeper, I need to briefly address what love is. The truth is..It might not sound so pretty and for some of you, might be hard to swallow at the moment.
Love is a chemical reaction.
As you know, your brain releases dopamine when you are in love. And we are all addicted to it. On top of that, media attaches meaning to it through romantic movies, Disney animations, and books. Sometimes it turns out to be a good addiction, other times it changes to something negative such as possessiveness. I don't mean to degrade the value of love here. That's not the point. But, I want to stress that it's simply a notion that we created and to which we've constantly added meanings.
Like all intangible values, you can gradually make it meaningless and kill it. Just like fear. As a matter of fact, your pain from break-up indeed derives from fear.
These are the things that many people talk about when they are completely in despair after break up. For simplicity and the fact that I'm a guy, allow me to enumerate what men commonly think to themselves.
What if I don't find someone as good as her?
What if there is no one who'll ever love me as much as she did?
What if I'm making the biggest mistake in my life?
I can't get my hands on things. Can't focus. What if I'm like this for the next six months?
What if I lose my job, social life, friendship, or in worst scenario, everything?
How long is this going to take to go away? Am I going to break?
Have you asked similar question above to yourself when you were freaking out? And do you notice something? It's all "I", there's no "she".
What you are feeling is either fear of loss or fear of uncertainty. Break up pain comes from your brain's magnifying exactly those two types of fear.
Now harnessing the skill to attack becomes clear. We already know that the only way to break free from any kind of fear is to "do it anyway". When fear kicks in and your facing the most powerful resistance from taking action, it never disappears if you just force yourself not to be scared. The only way to get rid of it is to "do it anyway" in the midst of fear.
Let me illustrate more concrete real life applicable way that you can "do it anyway".
You see yourself not wanting to do anything and be stuck in bed listening to love songs. You don't feel like eating, you don't feel like talking, let alone working.
Stand up for 5 minutes to do small things like washing dishes. It's alright to feel shit again afterwards. Go back to your bed if you need to. May be 30 minutes later, you pick yourself up again and this time you throw away the trash and clean your room for 10 minutes. You embrace the fact that you are sad and you feel useless. But that's okay.
The idea is to constantly give yourself a small push to tackle things that might not be big of a deal. But observe yourself doing things even though you don't feel like doing it. It may look insignificant and stupid to praise yourself for it but don't get fooled by those thoughts. You are inching yourself forward. And that is true definition of courage.
You might do five little things that you were reluctant to do today. Maybe four tomorrow. But the next day seven. Don't rush or try to expedite the whole healing period. It takes time. Just be consistent with making moves when you don't feel like it.
For highly productive people, there's going to be a moment when your heart is racing thinking about all the thing you could have accomplished. You feel you are losing so much because you can't be as productive. Tell yourself, the following three words: "so be it". Whatever loss that ever occurred is minuscule compared to what you've gained in the end. The strength cultivated during this period outweighs any achievement you might have made.
Over the weekend go out and meet new woman/man at a bar or a club. Talk to them even though you don't feel like it. Regardless whether your ex is all over your thoughts and you don't see a point of talking to any other person, just "do it anyway".
Don't talk yourself out of it. You are on the right path. Slowly but surely you'll develop the momentum to do things that require slight longer and controlled attention. You'll be able to deal with it over time. That's how you get out of the sh*t hole. You've attacked it.
Final Words
As a side note, I've seen many people, all of sudden comes to a conclusion that he/she finally realized how much he/she loved their ex after the break up. Sorry, if you feel the same way, chances are you might not be logical at the moment. Most cases, it appears that way because you are in pain. Whatever the truth is, you can only find out after you heal. Then you can assess how you really felt. But for most people, it was a good decision after all.
You can always decide to do things regardless of how you feel.