First of all this isn’t a tutorial or a magic formula to heal your heart after being dumped. I’m not here with a promise or playing the therapist, I’m just writing about how I got over a relationship end. This is 100% personal.
I met this guy in 2013 and I felt in love at the moment I met him. I was 24 years old and he was 9 years older than me, a designer, cult and good looking guy. Today that’s all I can say about him, because I don’t believe now he was more than that or cool anymore, and it doesn’t even matter either, so let’s paint him like that. I was young and after two relationships with their own particular frustrations, I spent a long time not feeling anything for anyone. I had lack of interest in dates, guys, kissing, sex. Nothing of all of these was moving me anymore, and I was ok with that. Till the day I met him.
He was the prince in the white horse coming to rescue me of my loneliness, of my fears, and teach me about life. We had so much in common, since zodiac sign, favorite color, tragedies. It was crazy! He was my soul-mate. Well, that’s what I thought. The only problem was that we had to deal with a distant relationship and some people are just not ready for that, and he wasn’t.
One day, I was about to start working, I was with my colleagues just chilling and checking some books when I got a message in my phone, he asked if we could talk. Well, as many of you already know what “can you talk?” means, I don’t need to say much about it. But he basically told he met someone new and if we could be just friends. I don’t know what you guys would say, but I said YES. I wanted to be in touch with him no matter how, because I knew deep in my heart I could change his mind. Of course I was a stupid to answer that, but I was in DESPAIR. I needed that guy in my life and I was willing to do anything to have him back.
At first I started talking to friends about my pain, because I had a lot of girl friends and they could help with some experience. How could I have him back or how could I make him love me again. I failed with this, so I started reading these books about seducing or having a man back, making this man fall in love with you, all these stuff. I’m not saying they are bullshit, but it didn’t work to me at all. Nothing I was doing was significantly efficient. After months of daily crying I was lost, confused and feeling a loser. So one day I looked for the stages of loss and grief online, I wanted to know how long would take me to get better, because at some point I couldn’t do anything, and what I was feeling was slowly killing me.
DENIAL, check. ANGER, check. BARGAINING, super check. DEPRESSION, check. ACCEPTANCE, not check. I needed to get over that frustration, I needed to get over the passion, the sadness, the self-blame. What could I possibly do? Once again I opened Google and started looking for answers. How long does it take to get over a breakup? What can I do to stop loving someone? I don’t remember how it happened, but it happened trough Google and I found some self-help books and one of them was Unlimited Power from Anthony Robbins. I couldn’t believe I was doing that, but I decided giving it a chance.
This isn’t propaganda, I just found something it could help me, since I read in its cover’s it was about Neuro-Linguistic Programming, I studied about Semiotics - the study of sign processes and communication - in college, so it sounded a bit familiar, something I could relate to? I don’t know, I had to read to see.
In the beginning it was boring as hell, I must confess I skipped some parts, but I remember the chapter he talks about how you feel and behave, and how it takes so much energy from your body to create signs and codes to your brain, how hard work for you is to get sad and depressed about something. It started coming to me that Neuro-Linguistic Programming was about resetting your brain to understand things with new meanings.
I spent my whole childhood believing that love was suffering, love was cheating, that I needed a man, someone to be happy and marry with. This was basically what I built my whole life as truth, but we all know this isn’t true, even if we speak about it whit someone and say how bullshit this is, we all crave to have someone to depend on because that’s what we were taught to.
I had to go deeper on this, I had to learn how to let him go. So as I was reading it, it got me intrigued about everything I was making as truth in my life and then I began to ask myself what I truly wish. I remembered a quote from the movie The Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind.
I’m just a girl looking for peace of mind. Nothing else. I don’t want him back, he betrayed me, he doesn’t desire me, he doesn’t make me happy, so I want peace. I admitted I’ve gone to a therapist in the past, and it helped me loads, but I didn’t want to get back there again. Then, I began some exercises like thinking about positive things when I’d caught myself thinking about him, making new plans, visiting people when I’d feel too bad, hanging out with friends more often, stop watching or listening sad songs, having goals.
Not long before I thought about going abroad for some exchange experience, or anything that would make me move from my comfort zone. So this was my biggest deal back them, and it made crave for and conquer new exciting things that would exclusively depend on me. It wasn’t easy, but was much better than I expected. Of course sometimes I’d spend hours crying over that guy, but I didn’t give up. Most of the times I was brutally working hard on my thoughts and trying to replace the bad things I had built. I wasn’t willing to waste time on something without solution, so this is when I became a bit more practical in life. So, from all my problems, which one is under my control? What can I do about it? If it doesn’t depend on me it’s over. Next!
"In order to carry a positive action, we must develop here a positive vision." - Dalai Lama
Also reading the book I’ve learnt how to appreciate every achievement, I’d try to make from that moment the brightest in my mind, so it would change my mood and my memories. I also learned how nobody is special in this world and how we should stop expecting it to give us everything. I’m not talking about a child from a poor country who doesn’t have anything to eat, this is not his fault. I’m talking about me as an adult with access to almost everything. I cut the string with my ex boyfriend, no more contact, no more cry. Then I started to get to know more about myself, I was much cooler than him.
After a long period reorganizing my thoughts, writing it down the things I wanted to achieve, the person I wanted to be, appreciating life in all the way possible, celebrating my victories, loving myself, after all of these, is that I realized that that guy wasn’t in my life anymore, and that he was once for all, unimportant. He doesn’t belong to my world, I don’t condemned him though. It’s life, and we only learn from it living.
"Positive anything is better than negative nothing." - Elbert Hubbard
Nowadays I am a much stronger person, and everytime I see myself in a delicate position, I just remember everything I learnt, and this makes me feel great and ready. I feel powerful! I haven’t taken antidepressive for three years, I’m more confident and calm, I know who I am and what I am able to. In the end this relationship brought me more than I wanted.
And this is how it happened. I could write more about NLP, but I’m not a professional, only a curious, so I rather don’t go there.
If there’s anyone out there struggling with a breakup, just believe it’s possible to get rid of this black, this mourning. The peace of mind you’re looking for might depend exclusively on you. In the meanwhile, I am here for a chat, of course, this isn’t a preach, just a talk between friends.
Thank you for reading.
B