I don’t really know what it is. I cannot put my finger on it but I’m struggling big time today. I woke up and just was off. It’s like a switch turned and I’m stuck on the FUNK setting. I’m irritated at literally everything. I don’t want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. I just want everyone to fuck off and stay away.
I had to be up early today as my wife had to bring her car in for repairs so we’ve been using my car for todays errands...in which there are a bunch. When I got in my car today I noticed a gross foul smell. That’s when I discovered a milk bottle with the cap open. Since I’m stupid I probably finished it and it most likely fell on the floor without me noticing. Well the cap popped off, and the remnants of the milk soaked into my car mat. Then it baked in the sun. So I went to Walmart, bought all new mats and then did a proper cleaning job.
Went to go get a haircut as I am sick of my Chia Head. Was told about a half hour wait. Almost an hour later there is still someone ahead of me and I had to pick the wife up, then the daughter, then drive the wife to get her car. No haircut so the world is stuck with current me. Sorry world.
I haven’t been feeling well as of late either. My back has been bad for a while now and my already piss poor sleep I get is even more disturbed than usual. Allergies are kicking in and ultimately I think I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Kinda tired of life at the moment. Catching a break when it comes to just about anything is just something that is so foreign in recent years. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve planned out that hasn’t had a wrench thrown into it.
The wife and I seem worlds apart. She just got out of job hunting mode and started a new position so she’s been preoccupied, but I just don’t feel like we are on the same page. The kids do their own thing. I haven’t seen much of my friends or family lately and I just feel completely out of sorts.
Speaking of family, another thing that’s weighing on me is the fact that my sister and her whole family are all going on a cruise tomorrow. Along with my dad and about 30 other friends. I’m super happy for them. I really am. If anyone deserves a vacation it’s my dad...but I’m absolutely filled with sadness and jealously because of this.
For years I have been trying to get my family to all go on a cruise together. Years. I’ve been brushed off each and every time. Well a couple of months ago, my sisters friends mentioned a cruise and my sister jumped at the opportunity immediately. Then my dad. Just seems like a slap in the fucking face. Literally like 4 years in a row I tried and heard crickets but her friend comes along and asks and they all jump at the opportunity. My dad is one of the most important people in my life and now they all get to share and partake in something that I’ve been trying to organize for ages while I stay home and pet sit.
I’m fairly fucking bitter about it and I hate that. I’m so happy for them. They all deserve this trip but I feel even more useless and worthless than before knowing that there was no efforts made to try to make it work all the times I tried to organize it but it’s a totally different story when their friends do it. I think it’s just a sign of me growing apart from those closest to me. I don’t really feel like I belong here anymore. In my job. In my family. In my own house.
Yes I see that the common factor in all of these gripes is me. I’m well aware that most of this falls at my feet. I am the issue. Most of the time I’m able to just bury those rotten feelings deep inside and try to be a normal functioning member of society but then there are the random days like today where it just pours out and no matter what I do, I can’t stop it.
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll feel a bit better. I sure hope so. I have to go pick up my dads dog Chloe as she will be staying with me while he’s away. I also have to get the key to my sisters house so I can take care of her cats. This week will be extra tiring as I’ll have to allow more time for not only them, but to see my mom daily at the “home”. With my dad going away for the week, she will need me there. That’s a whole other issue that is just a shit show. Watching someone deteriorate from dementia is brutal. Especially when it’s one of the people you love most in this world.
I really miss my mom and I often think back to the days when she was still healthy and full of clarity. If she was of sound mind right now, I’d probably be bawling in her arms as she told me it would be ok. She always did that when I struggled. She would always say “I wish I could take your pain away.” and while she didn’t...she kinda did. If that makes any sense at all.
Here I am. A 39 year old married man who wants nothing more than to cry in the arms of his mom of ten years ago. What I wouldn’t give...
Ok well that’s enough bitching for today. If you somehow read through this, I apologize. I am ultimately fine and the fucked up chemicals or lack thereof in my dumb head will level out soon enough. I just know how I struggle in my own head at times and I know I’m not alone. Some people have a really tough time coming to terms with their own struggles...even denying they exist sometimes. I feel like writing about it helps me see the light. It helps when I look back at it with a clearer mind. I’d also like to believe that it may help someone else at some point. Maybe someone who battles the darkness in their own head as well. I dunno. Maybe not.
Either way, tomorrow is a new day with a new opportunities to conquer. I think I’d like to smile more tomorrow. That’s definitely on my to do list.
Blewitt