[The camera starts recording]
[Martin now has a coffee in his hand]
The screaming stopped, so I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to make myself a coffee. I love coffee, strong and black, three teaspoons, the only way to drink it.
[Martin sips his coffee]
Still no word on the invasion, the probes seem to have vanished, the fear level seems to have subsided. It almost feels like they’re not even there anymore like it was all just a bad dream. Like I know if I walk upstairs and look out my window I will see a huge black fucking disc hovering above the city but hey, all you do is hang a couple of billboards off it and it could look appealing. Just think, Coca-Cola on one side, McDonald’s on the other, get the fuckers to rotate the ship and you have ultimate coverage across New York City.
[Martin sips his coffee]
You have to laugh, there's really nothing left for me to do. It's not like I can run out there and wave my fist at them to go away. The National Guard has told us all to stay indoors, they said they don't want mass hysteria. That's something I thought was definitely going to happen. You think about it, most people in a situation like this would fuck off straight away. But that's not the case, for some reason, part of you wants to believe they are friendly.
[Martin takes another cigarette from the packet]
You see the paranoia takes a back seat anyway, because you know deep down no matter where you go they will find you. Sure you have you're survivalists, you know, the ones who think they’re invincible, like the ones who drive Jeeps.
[Martin sips his coffee]
Amazing isn't it? You live in New York City and you drive a fucking Jeep, I mean what’s with that?
[Martin role-plays]
I have a small penis, I have no luck with women, deep down I think I might be gay. So I will drive a Jeep. I drive my Jeep from one end of Manhattan to the other, at 5 miles per hour, through the fucking traffic. I know my Jeep is solely designed for off-road use, but hey, it makes me feel rugged like I’m a real man, so fuck you.
[Martin smiles while tapping an unlit cigarette on the mug handle]
I once saw one of those Hummer jeeps. I think that's what they’re called. You know the ones that should have Norman Schwarzkopf behind the wheel. As wide as two fucking cabs right, driving down Broadway in the middle of the day. What a fucking joke?
[Martin points the cigarette at the camera]
You know what amazes me? It only just dawned on me then. We all trusted one man to take on Saddam Hussein, a man whose surname appears on shampoo bottles around the world. I know, I know, what's in a name? But hey, it's funny when you think about it.
[Martin lights the cigarette]
I've got a story for you, to take your mind off things. Lighten the mood a bit.
[Martin takes a long drag]
So I was living in this house in Jersey, nice big house, with a balcony out the front. Majestic view, mind you I was only renting but...
[Martin shakes his head]
So anyway, great place except for one thing, the fucking neighbor! He was a total fucking prick. He was never happy, always whining like an old maid. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
[Martin takes another drag]
So, I was smoking out on my balcony, Marlboro lights, no filters, you know the ones.
[Martin holds up the pack]
So I finish the last cigarette and drop the empty packet in the trash. I had this really neat system where I tied one end of a rope to the handle on the trash can lid and the other end to the balcony handrail. So all I had to do was pull the rope, lift off the lid, drop my empty cigarette packet into the trash and put the lid back on with the rope. Saved a shit load of time, not having to walk all the way down the stairs. So anyway, later on in the night I walked out onto the balcony to get some fresh air. I noticed it had been raining and the ashtray was filled with water, it was one of those polished half coconut shell ashtrays, you know the ones. Anyway, all the cigarette butts were floating in this ashtray, in this black shitty, filthy fucking water. Almost made me puke just looking at it. I thought, fuck it and I emptied the shit into the neighbor's yard, went to bed and that was that. Next morning I hear knocking on my door.
[Martin takes a drag]
I open it up and there's my prick neighbor standing at the door with two fucking cops. Anyway I asked what the problem was, had to play it cool, I'm good with cops, I have them pegged. Sure there’s been some close calls in the past but they see me as harmless. Clueless fuckers.
[Martin has a quick drag on the cigarette]
Anyway, they tell me my neighbor is filing a complaint against me for littering his yard and I was also charged with the possession of marijuana. I thought, possession of marijuana no fucking way, but then it dawned on me.
[Martin takes another drag]
I’d left half a jay in the fucking ashtray, didn't I? I'd had this full-on joint a few nights back and I hadn't finished it, so I left it in the ashtray for later. Then, I like totally forgot about it, and then it rained, so I totally didn't see it. Anyway, the pigs ask me to step outside and I say look you've obviously got the wrong guy, I don't smoke and most I certainly don't do drugs. The officers tell me that they have to check my place. I say listen fellas, we get young teenagers around this neighborhood all the time, who's to say they weren't smoking in his yard. The neighbor fucker suddenly pipes up and says check his trashcan, there's bound to be an empty packet in there. The cops figure this isn't such a bad idea and ask me to follow them to the trashcan. I do and they tell me to open it. I do as they say and sure enough, there sitting on top of the pile, is an empty packet of Marlboro lights sitting right on top. The cops remove the packet and say, "Well it seems we may need a warrant." I was fucked, but then I reached out into the void of comebacks and pulled out a fucking winner. My grandfather always told me there was a void just above us that had comebacks floating around in it. Every now and again a good one will come along, it's just a matter of being ready for it. Well, on that day I was ready, I quickly smiled at the cops and said I'm sorry fellas, but I found that packet lying in my front yard yesterday, I merely placed it in the bin.
[Martin smiles wickedly]
They couldn't do a fucking thing. I had them fucked. They just stood there with their dicks in their hand.
[A noise emanates from upstairs and Martin reacts with fear]
Oh fuck, back in a second.
[Martin stops the camera]