Last week a Ugandan Member of Parliament caused an uproar when he recommended wife beating to discipline a wife. The story went viral, and he had to retract his words. This article analyses why men batter their partners and it offers a simple solution to remedy the situation.
Spousal abuse still occurs, despite the legislation and efforts by activists to kick it out of the home. I once had a neighbor who used to beat his wife on a daily basis, at around 10.00pm. Her cries were depressing to all of us.
The wife would cry loudly, but the man would continue battering her. It was degrading treatment. We were embarrassed before our children. We explained that what our neighbor was doing was wrong; real men don’t behave like that.
We lived in an African country. Calling the police would not help. Eventually, we wrote a large sign saying 'Say I Love You Before You Hit Her' and posted it on the abuser’s gate. The abuser removed the sign the next day. To our surprise, the battering subsequently reduced. He realized that there were people who did not approve of his unmanly behavior.
Some men batter their wives only occasionally when provoked by something. They do not make it a practice. For others, as the one mentioned at the beginning of this article, the beatings are persistent, doing it almost daily. Whether it is daily or occasional, battering your mate is unacceptable.
Studies show that there is a family connection or a cultural influence that causes men to batter their spouses. Men who grow up in homes where men batter women will most likely practice wife battering. They believe that you need to demean, scare and hurt a female to have control over her.
In some cultures beating a woman is considered normal, even desirable. Many societies trust that battering and intimating a woman is beneficial to the family. It is shocking. And some men believe that when you hit a woman, it is acceptable. They pointed to the stable marriages of the past when women activists had not appeared on the scene.
Cultural influences and family connections can explain the prevalence of wife battering among societies, but nothing can justify it. When inclined to batter your wife tell your wife that I love you, dear, before you do it. While those simple words cannot eliminate all domestic violence, they have worked on some cases. They remind abusive men that love and hate are mutually exclusive.
Dr. Richard J. Gelles is an expert in domestic violence and child welfare. He was influential in the passage of the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 in the United States. He identified the following factors that increase the likelihood of emotional and physical domestic abuse.
• Marriage mates are from different backgrounds.
• The male partner uses illegal drugs at least once in a year.
• Couples are cohabiting, not legally married.
• A man has a low paying job; his income is below the poverty level or is out of work.
• The male is between age 18 and 30.
• The man was previously involved in domestic violence.
If you fall in one or more of the above categories, the risk of battering your wife is higher. Work to strengthen your love for her. Ask yourself why you fell in love with her in the first place. Tell her that “I love you” when you feel the urge to beat her. You cannot love somebody and hit her at the same time.
