Be different than you are - About the pressure of expectation (with 3 exercises)
We all know the pressure of expectations. Starting with our family of origin, the school, the workplace, in our private relationships, social media and up to the influences and impressions of the wider society - unpleasant pressure of expectation can occur everywhere.
The circle closes in the expectations that you have taken to this day and now put to yourself. For example, this might sound like this: I have to take a certain job. I have to start a family. I always have to be polite. I can not be selfish. I have to be successful. I can not care for myself. I'm not allowed to show how I really am. I always have to be in a good mood. I'd better pretend that nothing is wrong.
Align life to the expectations of others
Such expectations are to unfold the effect in your life and show in your choices; how you are and what you want to do; they are part of how you see yourself, how you perceive your body, which people you turn to, what you care about, what plans you make or how you engage in relationships and conflicts.
Expectations that are simply taken over, that you have delegated to you, and that you follow, have consequences. There is pressure; and even if you are capable of fulfilling expectations, there may be deep feelings behind not being satisfied, not being right, and having to be different from what you are.
Expectations are hidden conditions
We usually leave that part of the expectation away. For example, the above sentences could be:
- - I need to take a certain job to find recognition.
- - I have to start a family to be happy.
- - I always have to be polite to be part of it.
- - I can not be selfish to experience solidarity.
- - I have to be successful in order to be valuable.
- - I can not take care of myself so that nobody attacks me or punishes me with silence.
- - I'm not allowed to show how I really am, so I will not be beaten.
- - I always have to be in a good mood to be loved.
As you can see, expectations are actually hard if-then conditions. I have to fulfill an expectation to get a resource that should be freely available; Namely love, recognition, solidarity, importance or the inviolability of their own borders.
The principle of all expectations: Do not feel, do not test
The key to adjusting to expectations is the ability to not feel and not to test. Thus, I always put the needs of other people above my own perceptions and ideas, which I can slowly and surely forget to name and express.
It is often forbidden in families or groups to feel and express what is important to oneself - catchword "do not be selfish", "you are so complicated", "now do not be like that". In this way, we learn to orient ourselves to the expectations of others and forget to compare them with my own values and desires. "Do not feel, do not test" becomes an only indirectly perceptible, universal rule of life that surrounds us like the air we breathe.
Yearning and pressure are connected
This can be good for a long time. But as soon as you can no longer live up to expectations or no longer fulfill them, you will come under pressure. or rather, you become aware of the longing for another life of pressure under which you live constantly.
In this transitional phase, most people who are under pressure to expect come to me. On the one hand pressure, suffering and inconsistent behavior are present, while at the same time new possibilities are noticeable as a yearning for a better life, for more freedom of choice and good limits.
The exercises
This is a brief description of my point of view. I hope I can still give you some ideas and a little taste of the inner work that I offer in my classes and in individual sessions. Here are three small exercises to deal with expectations a little bit. It is not enough just to skim these exercises; only if you take the time to try them, you will learn something new about yourself.
Exercise 1: Find expectations and conditions and put into words
Pressure is often only diffusely perceivable, because he is so used to us. Therefore, a first step is to put the expectations or conditions behind them into words. Expectations in the form of rigid rules, commandments or prohibitions are best suited for this:
- - I have to ...
- - I should ...
- - It is forbidden ...
- - I must not ...
Take time to make a list of all the commandments and prohibitions that you expect from yourself. Make sure that commandments and prohibitions not only affect actions, but can also affect particular thoughts, feelings, etc.
If you like you can add an "Else" to each line. Think about what would happen or what you fear if you did not meet that expectation - and write it down to the expectation.
Exercise 2: Slowing down and anchoring
Going slow is an important skill, especially when you are trapped in suffering. Being trapped means that you are only superficially aware of your body and, without testing, you are taking over what is floating in your thoughts and feelings.
However, if you go slowly and take your time to become aware of your body and gain your attention, it is possible to become open and curious about what is happening in you.
Take the time to look at your list and experience your body at the same time. Here are your body and your breathing ... and there are the expectations written down. Take the time to simply share these expectations. It can be helpful to put one or both hands on your body to help you really be present.
This exercise is about being completely with you. The clearer you can be with yourself, the more open and unconditional you can see what's going on in you (or around you). In such a moment you emerge from what limits your vision.
Exercise 3: To perceive expectation pressure and to learn to use it
If I break a rule, I get the feeling, for example, that I'm taking something out of my hands. Maybe there's a threat in the room that something bad is going to happen to me; or I am in danger of not belonging or being punished. This creates shame and guilt, and other feelings can arise, such as envy or anger at others who do not abide by my rules - and thus hold the mirror up to me.
Active expectations are therefore recognized by the fact that you feel bad. Generally it means "Be different than you are"; and this pressure does not feel good - and is usable in two ways.
How can I use this for myself? Expectations are filled with the rules, ideals, (unfulfilled) desires, ideas, values or needs of others - including the pressure to adapt and embrace them. That this does not feel good makes sense. Can I perceive the pressure as an unpleasant feeling, so I can understand the feeling in the first step. I can see, "Attention! Something in me puts pressure. That does not feel good. Something is wrong here ".
At the same time, you can deduce what you need instead. You can actively invite this in a second step, for example by saying, "I take the time to realize what it would take instead." Or as a sentence supplement: "Instead of pressure, it takes ..." or "At heart and without pressure, I wish me …"
Be curious about what appears here as the equivalent of pressure, Ex. connection, recognition, collection. Once I understand that the pressure is about connection and a sense of belonging, for example, I can start to relax. The more I understand what it is all about, the easier it is to be left to the pressure of expectation - while at the same time following the positive and constructive aspects that are contained in it.