Confession: I Can’t Stand Looking At Beautiful People

In an age of social media where photographers have entire instagram accounts filled with beautiful women and millions of subscribers, I find myself becoming increasingly jaded. Its not only instagram, but almost all visual social media that I find myself slowly receding from. I have known this for a while, but my situation is slowly getting worse, the reality is I hate looking at attractive people. I have posted before how I largely dislike the way I look and am struggling to overcome the insecurities I have as a man and just generally a human being. However, whenever I see an attractive couple together or I meet an attractive girl I constantly feel like im having setbacks.

Whenever I see an attractive male or female I think to myself “why don’t I look like them? Why do I look so different?”, to the point where I feel like a lesser human being. I believe our society becomes more shallow by the day, with people obsessed with the gossip of beautiful celebrities and what their lives are up to. It feels like more and more people care less about the character of a person and judge them more on their facial symmetry. I can’t say that i’m not a part of this either, because the truth is, I have been raised to be just as shallow as them and value beauty as they do. One of my favorite movies is one starring Jack Black, called “Shallow Hal”, where a man obsessed with beautiful women is in a way hypnotized to view a person’s attractiveness based on how good of a person they are. In many ways I wish everyday it was a possibility to have that happen to me, so I could finally find someone to love.

Yearning to be attractive has made me literally write down a list of surgeries I would get if I had a million dollars, even if it meant that there was just a small chance to finally be one of the beautiful people I see all the time. Whenever I see someone in passing or on a website I am just reminded that I don’t look like them and people don’t value me as a sexual being. This is my biggest problem, I don’t feel handsome and im starting to feel like there is no point of even putting myself out there, because I have been rejected so many times. I want to pull myself up from my bootstraps and keep going, but after a while it just makes you tired and depressed. I don’t want to be beautiful to sleep with a lot of women or do something crazy like have a threesome with two girls, I just want to be wanted. It is a basic human need to be wanted and although my family does love me and support me, there is a hole I am missing that can only be filled by the opposite sex.

There are days when im especially depressed where I will see a picture of a good looking man on Facebook or generally just online and I will spend an hour daydreaming about what it must be like to be that person. I feel like my jadedness is having me miss out on many opportunities that men my age should be having, but at the same time I feel like I would only be having them if I was more attractive. Especially living around a twin sister and hearing her friends gossip about what guys were really cute at my school, I always felt hurt. Despite me having inside knowledge that half of these people were completely terrible human beings, because I would play sports with them or just hear them in the locker room, it wouldn’t make a difference on how the girls felt. I cant blame them, and ive never been one to blame others, however I do end up blaming myself. I have no idea why I am so obsessed with beauty and the shallow culture we have, but it is slowly killing me on the inside.

I want to change, I have read books, I have tried therapeutic methods, but nothing seems to work. I feel like one day if I become successful, all the women that rejected me would start seeing me differently and I would just be a provider to them. I want to be the full package as a boyfriend and a husband, able to support my wife and my family financially, but also be viewed as a stud to my wife.

I just feel that day by day I am slowly descending into madness over something that is such a trivial problem but means so much to me. I want to slap myself and say “hey you , asshole, appreciate the life you’ve been given”, but something is holding me back. No matter what I do, I cant control the emotions of jealousy and envy inside of me, wishing I was a more attractive person and hating those who are. What really bothers me most, is theres not much I can do to change how my face looks, while in every other part of my life, I can work hard and achieve my goals. It just feels like I lost the roulette wheel of life on this one and that is depressing. I know many of you are going to think im an ass and this is a stupid ramble, mostly you are right. However this has really been on my mind the past few days after I girl I was very close with told me she wasn’t attracted to me at all. If anyone had the same problem please anyway you got over it, let me know.