I grew up in a very pious and traditional Christian congregation. I felt sin deeply and as a five year old I already knew I was going to hell. I remember being terrified of driving in a car, in case we would crash and die. I never shared my internal suffering with anyone, as I was feeling deeply ashamed and responsible for my actions. I would spend a lot of time praying to god to save my family and me. I saw that they were also living in sin, just not so aware as me. I felt the heavy burden of guilt and cowardice because I did not feel brave enough to testify my sins and concerns to any adult. Therefore, I was alone in my desperation and gradually I hid from the light of god and the light of awareness in myself. I stayed in the congregation, but as a shy and fearful child, I never got any friends and I kept to myself in all personal and intimate thoughts and feelings. I developed a deep distrust in all people. I saw so much weakness, greed and vanity in this congregation. They were not more humble, god fearing and honest than people outside the congregation who were not religious. I realized that the congregation was kept together by the fear of being the social outcast and not the fear of god. It was obvious to me from an early age that I could not accept living in this social prison; I knew I had to find another way to truth.
To make a long story short, I moved as far away as I could as soon as I was 18. I was deeply depressed and suffering from severe anxiety. The rest of my life so far have been a search for true religion and true spirituality. I became a seeker and a philosopher. Yearning to live in true love and humility.
I have come to see the bible as a great and wonderful metaphor that was never intended to be read literally. When I read between the lines of the bible, I find so much wisdom and beauty, which the “true preachers of god’s word” never managed to convey to me in their sermons. Their sermons where too shallow, too simple, stirring up feelings of guilt and fear and shame and then leave some vague hints as how to live in the light of god. As I see it, I have never met any Christian who dared to expose himself to the true light of god. It is too bright, to revealing, it requires a total willingness to die and suffer that no preacher have ever dared to admit to himself.
In our fear of death, we lump together in congregation and interpret god’s word as the flock of scared animals that we are, while thinking that we are angels. Judging and envying each other in broad daylight, with no shame, even though Jesus thought us in the clearest way: "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Here Jesus is urging us to not worry about the salvation and judgement of others, that is not our job to do. Instead he is pointing at us, telling us to turn our focus inwards and know ourselves deeply. The unwillingness to see our own faults is the most harmful sin as I see it. Where the light of awareness does not shine, the shadows are allowed to grow. So let us not worry about others path to truth. but commit to really look within, with courage and true humility to see ourselves as we are.
I have found that in my willingness to expose my demons to the light, they lose their power. If you allow yourself true humility and true surrender, you will not live in sin. Sin is only dangerous as long as it is not seen. And god knows there is a lot of hidden sin lurking in the church corners. Sin as I see it, have nothing to do with offending god, but it is to damage yourself. Vanity and greed is sinful because it causes you suffering and makes you hide from your own truth. If you allow yourself to be seen by god, and not hide from him, you will experience tremendous fear, even the feeling of death, but also a vast, still freedom. I say god because that is what people understand, but if you’re an atheist I would say the light of awareness. You are not hiding from some omnipotent man in the sky, but from your own integrity, your own consciousness.
If you’re willing to “surrender to Jesus”, willing to “die”, to “give up”. Then you are getting close to something very profound. You are the emptiness that all things flow through; you are the black hole that sucks in all information. You are the empty stillness. Your essence is “god” or “awareness”. I will post more about my meditation practice for those who are interested. I know that there is not only one way to the light, trust your heart and rest in your five senses, be honest with yourself and you will find “god”.