#Support or #Succor?
Only yesterday, my sister messaged me, "You need us to support you and be there for these moments" after I posted an apology for a meltdown during a family gathering.
Today, Word Genius emailed me this particularly timely little gem:
E.g.
"Sebastian decided he needed his sister’s succor to pick out the perfect engagement ring."
Succor sounds like "sucker," not like support,
i.e., not like suh-KOR?
No wonder nobody uses this word.
For the record:
I don't need "support," or even succor. What I need is a list of what I don't need. I function just fine without affirmations or emotional "support" from whoever. My dysfunction starts when I'm hit with the things I don't want to be:
-- Ridiculed
-- Scapegoated
-- Ghosted
For too may years (more than five decades!), I've been a target for a family member who ridicules me and blames me for stuff, a psychological move to vent safely on someone who loves unconditionally, instead of standing up to the real villain causing this person so much misery.
So, I'm closer to age 60 now than the Half-Century, 50, that stole up on me only yesterday (or so it seems). I'm getting letters from the AARP. I qualify for a Senior Citizen discount at certain stores. My mom, who's past age 80, finds this annoying. When she was young and struggling with five kids and a farm, that discount would have meant a lot. How many seniors are set and how many young families are struggling? That bit of "succor" - the ten percent discount at some stores -- is not equitable or logical.
So here again is what I need. It's so simple.
Just don't hate me, or hate on me.
Do I say stupid things or fail to mind my own business? Guilty. Am I alone in this, or is this an unusual trait for a family member to have? No. No. Categorically, no. I'm just the one most-blamed, most-resented, most-hated, for daring to offer my opinions.
Crabby old ladies on sitcoms get the laughs. I get ghosted.
I try to be civil, to avoid inflammatory words like "You need to," You've got to, "You should," or that killer, the one I've heard from infancy,
"Why didn't you just ----?"
Why didn't you just leave out that demeaning little "just" and stop asking my why I didn't have the brains to see what you yourself would have foreseen....
There's more I could say about people having #expectations of what others should do for them, buy for them, or not do, or not say.
There is much to be said for NOT SAYING things.
I have even more to say about people who disregard a parent's advice, get in over their heads, then cry out for the parent to bail them out. No. Just, no. You rejected some good advice (sneeringly, arrogantly, dismissively, or contemptuously). You had to learn the hard way. Now you want the person who's been there, done that, and tried to warn you, to come spend time and energy (and money) to get you out of the fix you're in.
How many of us can harden our hearts and say no when the offspring want our assistance after rejecting our suggestions on how to stay out of debt or out of trouble?
While I'm grousing here, there's a lot I could say about hearing people put words in my mouth. I say one thing. They hear another thing. Then they accuse me of having said this or that, when I meant something entirely other.
But I'm not gonna say it all today.
Today's message is that I don't need "succor" or support; I just need to be Not Blamed, Not Accused, Not Scapegoated, Not Ghosted.
I do not seek praise, admiration, book sales, affirmations, upvotes, or Likes. I know: here at Hive, who doesn't welcome upvotes, comments, and link-sharing? But I don't do things or say things in hope of upvotes. I say what I need to, in order to vent or share information I feel is imperative or at the least, interesting.
That meltdown, the other day. Was I a moron for losing it? Of course. Could I have chosen to just SAY NOTHING and carry on without protesting that I'd had enough of being accused of stuff? Most days, yes, I could have, but I knew my "reserves" were already drained before I set foot into this place, a place that is loaded with triggers, and people who are quick on the draw. And no, NOT going to this place was hardly optional. Holidays, birthdays, Holy Days of Obligation to DNA Sharers. All that. This place is for the Silver Haired, right? Y'all don't need me to tell you that severing ties is an option. I chose not to shut doors or sever ties.
It's so easy. You don't have to "Support" me. Just don't yank my chain. Don't trigger me. I know, there is no way most of us could know what might "trigger" someone else.
Let me be me, and you can be you, and if you don't keep filling the Most-Valuable Real Estate of my mind with your problems, sob stories, dramas, and misery, I will manage not to have a meltdown. It takes a lot of daily maintenance, mental energy, meditation, and effort to keep myself from going crazy when I read the news or hear the latest conspiracy theory or statistics on evils being done unto us.
Let me be.
This is not a contest entry, but if it were, the one thing in my life I would change is this: SAY NOTHING.
Most all the troubles and travails, heartaches and slammed doors, could have been avoided if only I had kept my thoughts to myself. Other people, even those who are venting and complaining about their miserable situations, do not want advice. (Money, or your time doing favors, yes, they always want that.)
NOBODY WANTS MY OPINION
Nobody wants to know how I would approach their problem, how I might deal with the bully, how I might go on strike and refuse to cave in to the demands of some despot seeking to exploit my loved one. I've seen so many people bruised, bullied, beaten down, broken, even to the point of dying, but not one of them wanted anything more than sympathy (or money, or my time). My thoughts? NOT WANTED.
So, if I had my life to live again, I'd practice the Mortification of Silence. Those Catholic monks and nuns in their monasteries and cloisters, working without words, are onto something.
Words. Nobody wants mine. Lesson Learned.
Or not. I keep dishing out words. It's like I'm the volcano with the hot lava that can't quit spewing.