I wanted to tell you something. Half way I forgot what. Something about seasons, about change, how we forget it is the only constant in life. It sounded wrong, just jargon, it might've sound good, but wasn't authentic.
I'm trying to dig in, yet there seems to be a haze that I'm only swinging blindly with my shovel. At random moments I get some imagery in my head, I think I'm trying to be imaginative. I think I'm creative, but I don't always feel like it. This is where the dissonance is: I don't anymore judge myself by what I'd like to be, but with what I do, because in the end, thought is nothing without action.
Though I've been feeding my soul; I'm reading books again. I've never read with the volume I'm doing at the moment. It's been mostly non-fiction, fiction for some reason isn't attracting me much – until a friend dropped a name: Murakami. He is very good and has a way with words that just makes reading a pleasant experience.
I'm way more curious now than in high school, ironically enough. High school was more like a "blaaaaaah" in a big sea of not caring that was closer to nihilism than enthusiasm. Jargon.
"Hello, how are you?"
"Today, I'd only like to bunch you in a face instead of shooting you all."
"..."
"It was a joke."
Nah, that wasn't me, I wasn't that edgy. I was just shy and anxious about everything when puberty messed everything up – doesn't it happen to all? The increased self-awareness is a curse and a bless. Curse in that we learn increasingly to separate ourselves from the environment when we build our identity. That is also the curse if there is no counterbalancing acts presented from the older generations.
"You will see changes in your body during puberty", biology teachers say. "No shit! Like I don't ever look at my crotch in the toilet. Smart ass." At least they explain what that stuff happens for.
I don't know if it's just that they forget how the world used to circle around them and their worries during adolescence, but why did nobody say that "look, kid, at times you're gonna feel messed up, like there's no direction for your life, like you're lost in a limbo yet crushed by the pressure by the expectations everyone around is laying upon you – but that's completely fine. It's fine to be awkward, it's fine not to know where to put your hands while talking so someone, what to do when your crush walks by. Everybody is having these same thoughts and feelings even though they don't talk about it. Why? Probably because we silly adults wish things to be tidy like our little desks in our offices that represent the life that we've 'figured out'"
Sex is the most incredible taboo that ever has been, because literally everyone ever here on this planet Earth is a result of generations and generations of fucking. Think how many generations must've fucked for you to suddenly pop on this planet. Now go back enough time and think the fucking of some ancient primates belonging to the homo genus. Yet parents pretend like you appeared from the sky brought by the heron.
Ait, that's pretty much all I had to say, enjoy the weekend.