I can tell you who I've been, but I'm about to become someone completely new.

You see,

tumbling, kicking, and swimming around inside of me is a brand new person.

Physically, they're currently only the size of a half-cooked fetus (because they are a half-cooked fetus). But in every other category, they're such a big deal, I can't even begin to fathom.

I'm right on the precipice,

stirring up the life force and energy, holding tight inside of me a brand new human being.

By the time the calendar year changes over, they'll be more than kicks and tumbles, hiccups and heartbeats.

They'll be here.

And I'll be new.

I'm about to become someone I've never met before.

I'm about to become an iteration of who I have been, uniquely translated through the fresh new roll of "mother."

I will look back on whatever I write here and say

"oh, if only she knew. If only she had any idea of what she was about to become... "

I have been so many many things.

I will continue to be several of those things.

But even the way that I am those things will change.

I am a wife.

But I am about to become the woman who gave my amazing husband his first child.

I am a daughter.

But I am about to become the child who gave my parents a new grandchild.

I am a sister and an aunt.

But soon I will transform from a friend and playmate to the mother of a new and exciting friend and playmate.

I am an athlete.

But so far, all athleticism was motivated by trying to be as strong and healthy as possible, soon it will all be to chase, to hold, to play, to lead by example for a little ball of energy I've not yet brought fully into this world.

I am an artist.

But everything aches inside of me to create art around this new person I've never met before.

I am a photographer.

###But soon I will get to be the one capturing the beauty of motherhood from the inside for once.

I am a writer.

But all writers change with their experiences and I will never be this writer ever again.

I can tell you my name.

Carissa Cassiel

My first name was given to me by my parents, which I love.

My last name was chosen, after a year of creative deliberation and research by my husband and I, as our family name. The cord we would hang our own names, and the names of each of our children together on, uniting us.

I can show you plenty of fun photos of myself.

And you can identify me as blonde.

Or by my half formed dreads.

Or by my pregnancy.

Or as too fat.

Or too thin.

As attractive or repulsive.

Your type, or just like that girl you hated in high school.

But other than that,

I can't tell you who I am.

Because right now I'm waiting.

Right now, I'm waiting to meet the part of myself that's been dormant for years, waiting to become a mother.

I'm growing big and round.

And then bigger. And rounder.

I'm learning to slow down.

I'm planning the birth of my dreams.

I'm reconnecting with the man I love more than anyone else in this world (so far).

I'm nesting, creating, glowing, evolving, incubating and becoming.

Hello,

My name is Carissa Cassiel,

And I'm looking forward to meeting me, too.