I think it's the eyes, I'm not sure, but somehow, I never make a good first impression on people.
I've met new people, and they end up telling mutual friends that they think I'm proud because I wasn't receptive enough.
The irony is that I'm the funniest person you will ever meet. Once I get comfortable around you, it's like the Comedy Central channel.
I've met new people that I felt I could have bonded with and become good friends, but because they think I was cold to them, they distanced themselves. It took me a lot of time and effort to diagnose what the issue is, I always wear my thoughts on my face like clothes.
I'm a very critical and deep thinker, an overthinker if you would call it, I usually have something that needs critical analysis, and until I get a solution to what I'm thinking, the worry is usually written all over my face, making it seem like I'm a cranky person.
I'm a mother of two kids, and you can only guess how worrisome it is for me all the time, I could attend a party because there's no alternative, and all the while, I'm thinking about my son's maths assignment that we haven't solved. I just might get introduced to a new person, and my focus will be elsewhere, giving the person the impression that I'm cold or proud.
When I'm finally over that phase, there's no chance to apologize or make amends. It's not intentional on my part, I've just never been good at multitasking, I like to focus on a task at a time, and my mind and brain have been programmed just that way.
I remember an incident when I walked past my colleague at work at the mall, and I didn't even know. She kept malice with me and ignored me for about a week. I wouldn't have let it go on for that long, but I didn't even notice, I had too much on my mind.
I finally noticed and spoke to her about it, she accused me of ignoring her when she greeted me at the mall. It took me days of apologizing before she eventually accepted my apology, and we made up.
I have an alter ego, and anyone close to me knows that I'm very fun to be with when I loosen up, I'm the life of the party, I play around, have fun, do stupid, crazy things, and make people laugh.
I used to think that I did not care what people thought, I was my own person and I didn't owe anybody any explanation for how I lived my life, nobody paid my bills, so why should I be bothered? How wrong I was.
It took me some time to finally come to terms with the fact that I needed to do better. I had kids, and didn't want them to inherit my social skills. Children just aren't wired that way.
I eventually spoke to a family member about it, cause I was tired of hearing complaints about myself. I was being misunderstood and it hurt badly that I never got the chance to defend myself.
I found a coping mechanism though, the family member told me to try as much as possible to always be aware of my surroundings, check up on people, and set reminders for important occasions.
I'm not all there yet, but it's better now. I've made amendments and changes. A tree does not make a forest, no one is an island and above all we were created to coexist.
I have learnt to take the first step towards civility to people, if I encounter a negative response, I keep trying cause I know i used to be like that, and if the outcome still remains negative, I am vindicated that it's not on me.
MY BIGGEST ADRENALINE RUSH DAY.
It has got to be the day I had my first child, I was excited because we have been expecting him for a long time. My pregnancy was stress-free and I glowed throughout. Everything was on track, and the ultrasound revealed we were having a baby girl.
We did the shopping and put everything in order, months before the baby was due. Okay, so the due date arrived and the baby wasn't ready to come. I was skeptical so I spoke to the doctor, and he assured me that there was no problem and that it was completely normal. Due dates aren't accurate, so there's no need to worry.
I took it in good faith, went back home, and continued the preparations for my baby's arrival. I went back a few weeks later to talk to the doctor, and he reassured me again after checking my vitals and doing all the stuff that doctors do.
By the time I was ten months gone and the baby wasn't forthcoming, I began to panic.
By the eleventh month, I knew I just couldn't wait. I told the doctor bluntly that I couldn't wait anymore. We discussed some options and we finally resorted to the cesarean section option. I could tell you why I made that decision, but I don't want to bore you.
Up until the point I went into the theatre, I was unbothered cause I was eager to finally meet my baby. Brief version, I woke up to find myself in the ward. My mum was seated on the chair, staring at me. I touched my belly and felt the plaster on it. I knew the operation was done. My first question was "Where's my baby?" She smiled and told me that the nurses were cleaning him up.
Two nurses soon entered carrying my bundle of joy, I tried to sit up, but it was so painful, I can't even describe the level of pain, but I didn't mind, I had something to show for it. I stretched my hand, my breathing fast and my adrenaline running high. That was the moment I waited for all my life, to hold my bundle of joy.
The baby was handed over to me, and I took it, and sat up, just barely. The pain from the cut on my belly tore through me, but I didn't care, it was worth it. I looked into it's face, and guess what? It was a boy. Science got it wrong this time around. Who cares about gender anyway? I'm alive, my baby is alive, and right there and then, I made a silent vow within me to always protect my son, and give my life for him if need be, no questions asked. I had never experienced that level of adrenaline rush. It was off the charts high.
I have since celebrated many wins since then, but nothing comes close. I'll always remember that moment and cherish it for life.
Thanks for reading.
IMAGE CREDITS BY ME.