We all have conditioned beliefs
We have been conditioned to have our beliefs limit us to fraction of our true potential. They keep us from living fully free and experiencing the abundance of love that we’re easily capable to feeling. I am my own worst enemy. I know that I’ve created many situations that were based out of fear and a dysfunctional belief about how things are “supposed” to be. I’ve come to this conclusion many times in different aspects of my life but more recently, I’ve realized that I was the one creating my reality and felt like I was chained to a life I didn’t want to live due to my beliefs.
I’ve been in the midst of a custody battle for several years and I had always believed that it was my ex that was stopping me from living as freely as I want to. I couldn’t take vacations without him interfering, I couldn’t move out of state without him taking me to court, I couldn’t associate with my beloved circle of friends that helped me evolve and grow.
What you resist persists
The more I focused on hating him for taking away my freedom the more it showed up in my reality as being chained. I was completely aligning myself with situations that made me feel trapped. Each time these realities manifested, I had the ability to trace it back to me ex and put all of the blame on him. My ex had made ridiculous accusations about what goes on in my home, my friends and my intentions. The more I resisted and fought back, the more ludacris his actions became.
I had to go back to Virginia for the final custody trial this week. The road trip was an extremely stressful one because I didn’t want to face what was about to come. The good news was that the result was very much in my favor but it didn’t come without nausea, headaches and insomnia. What I found interesting about all of this was the fact that after it was all over and I got exactly what I wanted, I still didn’t feel triumphant. I still felt trapped. And trapped by him. After a few weeks of focused meditation on the matter with obsidian to aid in getting to the truth of the matter, I realized that I was aligning myself with feeling caged for a much deeper reason than what was first apparent.
As spontaneous and wild as I am, I became a creature relying on comfort the past few years. I’m consistently referencing to my same routines in life to make me feel secure. I was so accustomed to predicting what would happen that I turned those predictions into a pacifier for safety when my world was shaken up. The past 5 years, my world has been severely shaken up by my ex. I was beginning to get conditioned by my ex’s actions and it made me feel like anytime I wanted to make a change in my life (even if it’s something I really enjoy), my desires would be challenged by him and therefore make me afraid to have new experiences in avoidance of his confrontation.
I was afraid of getting into a new relationship to avoid my ex flipping out. I was afraid of moving out of Virginia even though I was miserable there in order to keep the “peace” and stir up another custody tug of war. I was afraid of pursuing my dreams of living off the grid in a tiny house since my ex didn’t feel like it was a conducive environment for my son to live in. I was afraid of getting close to my tribe of people because I felt like my ex was not approve of my son being around them.
Even though he provided the shackles, I was the one who put them on.
Inner work isn’t easy. For me, it’s been particularly difficult in the matters of my ex and custody. It’s taken tremendous focus to find the truth of what’s really been the cause of my entrapment. We can either blame other people, things and experiences for the unfortunate circumstances we find ourselves in OR we can empower ourselves to find the real heart of the matter and take back control of our lives. All the answers are within.
Getting to the core of my limiting beliefs has been a liberating experience. I empower myself a little more every day as I go through this emotional detox and free myself from myself.
