Okay, you love cheese. Whether it is that hot and stringy mozzarella that burns the roof of your mouth when you are eating pizza or that creamy cheesy "mortar" that holds together your mac and cheese — you love cheese, dammit!
How, then, could it be possible that there are people out there claiming that "cheese is dead?"
Before you start rummaging through your closet searching for something black to wear for your cheesy mourning period, be aware that cheese is, in fact, not dead. To borrow a line from Mark Twain, the reports of the death of cheese have been greatly exaggerated. To be quite frank, they are referring to a steady decline of the consumption of processed cheeses, not fresh all-natural cheese.
But wait, does this mean that aerosol cheese, cheese powder, and good ol' American cheese slices are going the way of cable TV? Well, demand for such processed cheese products are on the decline. Each year, the demand for processed cheese drop by one to two percent.
I know, I know... when you think about all of the processed cheesy goodness that you gobble up each year, such statistics must seem impossible. It must be some sort of fake news.
The figures, however, are true. The main culprits for the decline of processed cheese are the — wait for it — the Millennials.
Yes, the same generation that has brought about the death of cable TV, landline phones, cheap coffee, casual dining restaurants and ushered in safe spaces and beards, have also rammed the rusty knife of death into the gut of processed cheese. They are simply eating less of the stuff preferring real cheeses. Those scoundrels!
Assuredly, Gen-Xers and Boomers are doing their best to prop up their life-long friend — trying to save it from a slow agonizing death at the hands of those craft beer drinking Millennials, but it is a losing battle. Chances are that before this century is out, talk of cheese that you you could spray out of a can or cheese slices that could withstand searing heat and always melt evenly, will be seen as myth and folklore. "There goes grandpa again talking about his Velveeta god."
While it is easy to be saddened by the impending demise of processed cheese, fret not. Those of us who have consumed our fair share over the decades have probably already reduced our life expectancy by a few years. In other words, we will have less time on this mortal plane to have to carry the burden of such a loss.
In the mean time, maybe you should consider appreciating processed cheese in the here and now. Visit your local Jack in the Box and order one of their original tacos. You know, the ones with a hard shell lined with a single slice of American cheese cradling the meat paste filling and lettuce. There is no better tribute to the majesty of processed cheese than a Jack in the Box taco. You know it's out of place, you know it should disgust you — but dammit, it's tasty!
Relive your drunken college years and spray some aerosol cheese straight into your mouth. In my case that would not be so much reliving my wild youth but rather part of my daily breakfast routine. That, however, is another story.
Courage, my friends... courage. Don't feel sorry for yourselves. Feel sorry for your posterity. Those generations who will not know the artery-clogging tasty goodness of processed cheese.
Processed cheese will be okay. It will be at peace in processed food heaven along with its friends who departed earlier — trans-fats, saccharin, Jello Pudding Pops, and GatorGum.
To all Millennials reading this, I hope you're happy. How can you sleep peacefully at night knowing what you have done?
DISCLAIMER: In case it was not obvious, this post was written as a tongue-in-cheek piece. Slightly satirical, hopefully funny, never meant to offend nor to be taken wholly serious.
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