Sometimes, you need to stare into the depths of uncertainty to discover who you are.
The past year has been one of massive growth and progression for my life. I say this not in an egotistical way, but in an honest reflection on where I was one year ago and where I am today.
Frankly, I was lost in a sea of confusion and uncertainty about where I was going in life. I had just started a new job that turned out to be a total dud. It motivated me to start a process of deep introspection to figure out just what the hell I was going to do.
Should I go back to get my Master's degree? Perhaps pursuing a marketable skill, such as being an electrician or learning programming, would be my path. Or maybe I just needed to go for the money and get into real estate.
Clearly, I was all over the place in terms of my life direction. I was grasping at straws, looking for anything that would let me know which way to go next.
Instead of committing to something, I decided to face the abyss
Humans hate uncertainty. We want to know, one way or the other, what is is we are supposed to do, who we are supposed to be with, and how we're going to get from point A to point B. Living in uncertainty can be the most frustrating and torturous feeling imaginable.
I think this is why many people settle for a lackluster job, end up in uninspiring marriages, and eventually have a crisis later in life. Comfort and familiarity are desirable, just not at the expense of our personal progress.
Sometimes, we need that uncertainty to give us the motivation to look inward and ask ourselves difficult questions, such as 'who am I, what is my purpose, what do I really want from life?' Ask most people these questions and they will immediately become uncomfortable, as they haven't sufficiently answered it for themselves.
We need discomfort. We need uncertainty. They are pathways to answering life's deeper questions.
I could have easily made the choice to go back to school or pursue a more traditional, well-traveled path as a way to paint a picture of convenience over the abyss. Instead, I ended up taking a job in the Summer as a gardener for the rest of the season.
Although it gave me a temporary reprieve from my abyss viewing, it was certainly not settling or giving in to the pressure to have a normal career. I greatly enjoy working outside with plants, and it has been a welcome change from my work in sterile mental health facilities, rife with bureaucratic ineptitude and incompetence.
But it still didn't answer the lingering, looming questions of who I am and where I want to go in life. I realized very early on that as much as I enjoy gardening, I don't think it's something I want to do professionally for the rest of my life.
I need to utilize my creative intellect as well as my ability to connect and organize others towards a defined purpose. As a result, I have pursued free-lance writing opportunities during the off-season, and I have picked up a few gigs that might make it feasible to do this on a full-time basis.
I've also been pursuing event production and direction, as I came to the realization that I've always enjoyed bringing people together for shared experiences. I am in the process of securing a venue for a quarterly/monthly music and arts showcase, an event that I would host.
The answer to your life's meaning lies in the question itself.
You'll never get a satisfactory answer without asking the right questions. Sometimes, that means asking yourself the hardest question you can pose, the one that makes you twist and squirm with discomfort.
Our first reaction to uncomfortable situations is to find the easiest way to relieve this comfort. Often, this means settling into a job or relationship that doesn't meet our deeper needs, or numbing the feeling through drugs, alcohol, and other distractions.
The things in life that make us afraid or uncomfortable usually have the greatest lesson to teach us. Seeking the easy way out will eventually lead you back to the same spot, though the abyss may be much more intense and loud the next time around.
When I was deeply depressed years ago, my first reaction was to find the fastest way out of misery. I needed the feeling to be gone so I could feel 'normal' again and enjoy my life once more. But no escape or easy answer seemed to work. The feeling was still there.
And that's when I realized: maybe this is what I need right now. Maybe I need to feel like shit. Perhaps I need to sit in this fire and learn to feel comfortable with the heat instead of running from it.
Staring into the abyss is terrifying, but sometimes...it is exactly what we need to reach our greatest potential.
All uncredited pictures from the pixabay.com
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