Love can seem perfect, harmonious, joyful, like a fine Pinot Noir and a box/bag of delicious dark chocolates. ...well, to me, anyway. Those are things I love. Maybe not you, but fill in what it seems to you before we continue.
Love can seem......
After 7 years, one can think that. Even when life does what life is capable doing--delivering pain, grief, and regret. That's where I've been for a few months. I was laid off from the oilfield, which is still quite slow with few job opening and thousands of applicants. In that situation, I still made an investment...which has recently shown to be pretty crappy. So, if the global bankers still say the US$ is worth sometime the beginning of next year, I'll be enduring a legal battle for the return of my money. This isn't enough...I also broke my foot.
For the past few months, I've been reading...and the world's current events are not happy moments, so these are the things I have learned--nothing good. My long-term girlfriend would request I stop reading that stuff. I slowed down, then read more, then slowed again. When I'm not reading, I'm thinking about it all. What will happen to us? What should I do? What can I do? Not just for myself and her, but she has 2 kids about whom I also deeply care. The beautiful little girl I've cared for since she was 3 months old. These are people I love and think about (when I'm not thinking of what I read). So, I further limit my reading, but I constantly and consistently think of it.
Obviously, there needs to be some kind of transition. I can't exercise or run. I can barely walk. So, there's a new sequel to a fantastic video game. Yeah, I know...an adult playing a video game. Gross. It's acceptable to look at a painting, listen to music, watch a movie, read a book, read magazines or the newspaper, but I choose the 4th part in a beautiful story known as Uncharted! The game is a tale of love, in itself.
For those who don't know, Uncharted now spans 4 parts, and stars a historian's son who has always dreamed of hunting treasure. Entering adulthood, he and his brother set out to travel the world, get in fights, meet sketchy people, fall in love with a few different women. All these characters develop special bonds on their journeys in and out of dangerous islands, caves, pyramids, and pirate graveyards across the world. The 4th and final game, he is married to one of his 2 main loves and they live quietly and he has a regular job. The game opens with him looking through all his old things and speaking of his memories...until he comes across a wedding album. It's simply beautiful and I found it nostalgic. His wife calls out to him for dinner, and they go eat and discuss a few old moments and laugh and play.
So, anyway. I use this game as my therapy. It's much cheaper. It clears my mind and allows me brief moments where I don't have to worry about my life and the state of my country and freedom, itself.
I know I mentioned 7 years, but there were parts we weren't together, and we always came back. So, after losing my job, losing my savings, breaking my foot, I can feel kinda useless and worthless. It must be obvious, because this is when I am told I am useless and that someone who has told me many times that she loved me...and told me the day before this that she loved me, is now willing to give up on me and won't allow me to see her kids.
I'm asking what is love. Because I can't see it. Have I ever seen it? After all this time, a person can just turn off the love switch? I can't believe it. I'm flummoxed. I'm almost speechless. I ask why? I get no answer. What does she want? The only response is "for you to go." She gets sarcastic, rude, and just downright ugly to me. What kind of person does it take to forget everything? The money isn't even needed. She claims she doesn't care about that, but the only things she complains about is her VA assistance currently buys the food we eat. It's a temporary setback. My foot is healed. I'm not flat broke. The main things I tell her are what to expect and that we'll all be together. Yes, she was deployed to Iraq...and saw no combat. I applaud and congratulate and thank her for that. We weren't even together a few years ago when I sent a text for veteran's day. She told me the next day that I was the only person who acknowledges that she's a veteran. ...not her Ex-husband, not her mother or father, not her sister or her husband. Just me. ...just me.
Even though I don't want to leave, I'll have to do so soon. I refuse to leave now. I've read all the executive orders signed since June. I've seen the military on the street. I've seen UN trucks on trains. I've seen the FEMA camps. I've seen the Walmart tunnels. I've seen the coffins and read and heard about the guillotines. Yes, I know, you're thinking "He's one of those nuts." Yes, I am a person who is able to witness something for myself and believe it. That's now nutty I am. I am not fearful or frightened. I'm just aware.
...An hour break...
I don't even know why I'm saying this. It was meant to be generic, but it seems I'm just whining. I just don't understand how a person can go through so much with someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work and care for her and her 2 kinds. The little girl, whom I love more than I could ever love myself or any other person. She's just perfect. She came from a short, temporary, regrettable relationship, but she is amazing and beautiful and super smart. Her old brother is 9. His name is Milo and that's how I refer to him. He's also (severely) autistic and non-verbal. His favourite word is probably "wesso", which is wrestle. That's when we go play and I squeeze him and throw him around on his mother's bed and massage (or "tickle" as he says) his back. His mother requires frequent massaging along her spine and I do the same for him. He loves it and laughs and we have a great time. I massage his hands and feet and legs and arms and neck and tickle his feet. If he sits or lies near me, his foot will make its way to me at some point for me to tickle. His other favourite word is "computer" because his mother bought a touch screen computer...after I worked so hard, for several months, to remove his iPad from him. She was so proud when he longer needed his iPad ALL DAY. Then she got him the computer and now THAT is what he does all day. ......I care about him. I want him to speak more. He does with me, when his mother isn't around. He speaks so much when he isn't babied. ......the saddest thing of all is that my love and care for him...is the biggest threat to our love with his mother. She just can't understand why it's important to remove his addiction from him.
She absolutely despises every single morning all Summer long when he barges in her room and grabs her arm and pulls her to where he wants (computer). But, she doesn't have the patience or desire to teach him not to do that. I can silently point and he obeys or I just look at him sometimes and he'll stand down. He used to scream in the middle of the night. I stopped that. I got him to pee in the toilet. I got him to dress himself. I got him to speak "more milk (rice dream), change movie, name the move he wants to watch, say "computer", to answer "what do you want?", to say "iPad", swing, outside, jump, wrestle, to go to be when he's told, to go to bed without a movie on, to drink from a cup, to wear his shorts in the house so he doesn't play with his penis all day. I've invested much of my time, when I had the money to live anywhere in the world, I chose to be here for them. I paid rent here, even when I babysat someone all day long, change poopie diapers on a toddler or when she was a baby, or to wipe the boy's butt (and bust my finger through the wipe and get poop on it) while she was in a mental facility for a few days. Yeah, she isn't the most stable person. And, I understand that. I understand most of what I've done for her is really for her kids. ...but, most women would LOVE for a guy to care for kids that aren't his. But, she is willing to give up everything with me because I have a temporary setback. ...I'm also a little intoxicated from the daiquiri I was brought during the break. And, I'm just ranting now... This post is not how I planned it to be. But, it is done and I will not edit.
I want her to understand my willingness to not quit. I thought that was a good thing. But, she has her mind set that I will be eternally burdening. She has her mind set that my time and energy investment with her is forgettable and regrettable. I had chances to leave her and live in Forth Worth and spend every weekend at the lake in a boat. I had the chance to move to Hawaii. I chose to stay. I chose to work for her. I chose to work for her kids. ...and she chooses to forget...
What is love? Is it real? ...is it a mistake? I may never know it. But, I'll never stop searching.