I’ve had a fever for almost 2 years. The beginning of March will likely mark an unhappy anniversary of sorts for me, the 2-year point of having a fever of unknown origins. During that period, I have gone from unable to get out of bed except for medical appointments, to able to pull off a precarious balancing act of being able to work enough to pay my rent and keep the electricity on. The cost of this attempt at a normal life is that on days off, like today, I find myself trapped in bed, even though I would like nothing more than to go for a nice long walk in the sunshine.
Now I’m sure at least one of you out there is thinking to yourself, being outside is healing, she’s probably just too lazy to go for a walk. Unfortunately, like most people with long-term illnesses, I have to be cognizant that every decision I make during the day will impact my ability to make decisions tomorrow. So that long walk I want to take today could have the benefit of extra vitamin D, some nice exercise, and I might even sleep better tonight. All of these things are very good things. And if today were Saturday, it might be worth the risk. The risk of this is that it will trigger my fever to spike more than its current 100.4.
Around 101.0 degrees I can expect a migraine. My body will shake uncontrollably. I won’t know if I’m too hot or too cold, but I’ll crank the heat in my room, only to have to shut it all off 2 minutes later. This happens at least once or twice a week, but even more so if I don’t pay attention to the signs. The sign today was a slight headache. Persistent, but not terrible. I prepared some food for the week because on the days when I work, I have to have easy food available, or I more likely just would skip dinner all together, which unsurprisingly often triggers a headache.
Like most people, every action I take has an impact on my future self, but unlike most people, I am keenly aware of this dance because I have to be. When I put forth the extra effort to fold my laundry and put it away, even though I am feeling nauseated, I know that this will make it so every morning this week future me will know where exactly to find her clothes, and they won’t be wrinkle. She will be grateful to present me for making the extra effort even though it is difficult. In Deepak Chopra’s Seven Laws of Spiritual Success, this would be the Law of Karma.
One of the most powerful things about the Law of Karma when chronically ill is how quickly I get feedback on the decisions I have made. In every moment, I have the choice of listening to my body or not. I can push myself too hard and end up stuck in bed for several days. I can choose to lay in bed and be depressed about not being able to do all the things I want to do, or I can choose to be compassionate to myself and find joy in the little things like snuggling with my cat or talking to my boyfriend on Google Hangouts.
I don’t know what the future is going to bring, and unless you are psychic, you probably don’t know either. Even if you are psychic, chances are you’re only able to predict certain aspects of the future. In truth, this is really awesome because this means the world is always surprising us. Unfortunately, we have a natural need to seek stability and security. We want to be in control.
As someone who has panic attacks, I know all too well what it means to want to control everything. This false belief that if I can control my environment, then I can also control the chemical misfiring in my brain that make me think that I’m in a death match all because my cat jumps up on the bed when I didn’t expect her to or because I have a job interview has driven me to try all sorts of things that are neither compassionate nor useful. I have tried to maintain really strict routines and snapped at anyone who interferes with them. I have avoided people entirely as much as is feasible. I have tried to force the people around me to comply with some downright strange requests, all in the pursuit of finding my own way of controlling the outcomes in a world where the only thing we can really count on is that things are going to change. The only thing these changes did was make me more anxious because micromanaging my environment simply created more stress. I was reaping exactly what I was sowing. I was sowing all of my fear into other people, and all I was getting back was more fear.
When I wake up every morning, I cannot guarantee much. I don’t know if I’m going to have a headache, if my fibromyalgia is going to make my body feel as if someone has lit a match and set my bones on fire, if my heart is going to be pounding, fear and panic coursing through my veins, or if I may feel better than I’ve felt in years. What I can count on is that past Crystal has my back. She’s made breakfast, she has made sure there are clean clothes waiting for me, and she has run to the store and made sure to pick up my medicine. Even on the morning I woke up to find that my pipes had frozen, past Crystal had my back then too. Even though I had used up much of my backup water, I still had enough water to get through the day.
I think sometimes we get so caught up in the idea of karma as a bad thing. Karmic cycles are seen as these things that come back and bite you because you made bad decisions, but karma is also every time you made the decision in the moment to do something kind for future you. Every time you choose to have salad instead of fries, that is a gift for later you who. Every time you prepare your lunch for the next day before you go to bed, that’s karma. Every time you meditate, even though you know you have a million things, but then you are better able to focus on those things, that’s the Law of Karma in action. Each time you choose to do something in the moment simply because you know that will make something easier for you later, you are taking the lessons of the Law of Karma and applying them to your life, and sometimes that is the greatest act of self-care you can make.