Meditating between silence and nature

I dusted off my clothes and combed the waves of my hair, I still had a tired look but I needed to fill a space in my soul which was missing; the only pictures my brain processed daily were the ones of my room, the suffocation of staying in the same space made me feel insecure inside it.

I was afraid but going out was the only safe option at that moment I looked at my hands and at the same time at my feet which were anxious to walk the streets again, although my fears spoke to me and warned me that the best thing to do was to stay at home.

I went out, fought against these ravages and stepped outside, the heat wave made my head hurt but I continued walking, I felt as if people were watching me and my hands were sweating incessantly. I was looking for peace outside again after the building chaos that this situation brought.

It was a serendipity to find a place full of trees and nature, in such a desert city this is perhaps a great find, although my brain was still arguing that it was not a good idea to leave my bunker I continued walking patiently towards those spaces, I raised the camera and photographed.

The birds were gathering and walking near me, they reminded me of the little one I had rescued almost a year ago after it got lost from its nest; I understood then how much I miss observing nature and its inhabitants. I stop, observe and breathe.

I search for order within myself and clean my own spaces, I take pictures of the encounter to remember them in my dreams and I enjoy the space.

These stormy days have taught me that the tides are changing, that even if sometimes the light goes out a little, I am still well within me, I have learned gratitude from another closeness in which accepting the processes and living them is a way to be grateful for learning.

Today I allowed myself to learn and listen to the message of this greenery, although some days may be difficult does not mean that all will be the same, I remember what afflicted me a few years ago and today I no longer remember them; it will happen the same way in a few days when the gear system recovers its normal functioning.

Stop, observe and breathe. I have become a quieter and more reserved person, I have guarded my own feelings to prevent them from being harmed by being so exposed, I have realized that I have denied access to the world so that it would avoid harming me but, today I think sitting in bed that maybe this wariness has been part of the harm as well.

I have been the encourager of many, I have taught people to love unconditionally and without having the weight of memory in front of them, but I have forgotten to take care of myself in those situations by refusing to be free and happy, for fear of trauma, for fear of pain, for fear of falling back into a dark, cold, malicious depth.

I never thought I would return to these memories and, although they no longer hurt so much, my brain processes them as a warning that I should be very wary of the outside, because roses have thorns and although they are beautiful, they can harm me.

I think I have gone too far but now I know how to return, I tell you that I learned to flower my little inner child and I have taught her to guide me, because in her innocence she has more wisdom than what I can collect due to my uncertainty, I have seen her take some stones from this path, some plants, some soil and seeds that she finds, she does not mind that it is a dark and sometimes hostile path. When I see her return and regain the passage of light, I can observe her interacting with the soil, planting the seeds, decorating the planting with the stones as if it were a small pot and she withdraws to let it bloom.

It may sound strange, but it is perhaps the metaphor that allows me to understand that returning or entering into that darkness must allow me to take something in order to understand it, to learn from it and transform it. Since I have learned to observe her in this way I feel less fear when the sky begins to cloud over, because now I know that I will always come out of it stronger and learning a little bit more.