Because of our nature as human beings, we can have an urge to feel that we have our life under proper control, because this helps us feel safer and causes our mind to be at ease, which is obviously good for our well being.
However, when this urge of feeling in control becomes an emergency or an imperative requirement for our peace of mind, it can cause chaos in every kind of relationship we have, whether it is with colleagues, friends or family, simply because the interactions we have with other people will be heavily influenced by this issue.
Some people have a greater than normal need for control, making them what some would call “control freaks”. These control seekers often grew up in a chaotic environment as children, one in which their parents were absent or not effectively able to provide a stable nurturing environment, leaving them with a constant sense of anxiety as they grew older. | Source
How come some people be like this?
If we want to know what can be experienced while a person is feeling fear for not having enough control, we must first know what the need for control is and what implications it has in the way we think.
By “having enough control” I mean the need of the person to understand what surrounds him in order to be able to change it or to feel some kind of power over things. As well as the urgency the person feels to determine a series of results or consequences before they happen.
When this need for control is threatened by mere chance, because the situation does not depend on the person or because others are the ones making the decisions, it is possible for this person to experience a series of negative emotions such as frustration and anger, which forces him to carry out acts of domination, extortion or simple criticism.
So, people with losing-control anxiety are perfectionists. They demand perfect certitude-or near perfect certitude--and when they don't get it they worry and ruminate about it. | Source
The person could react in different ways, he might make greater efforts to try to control an uncontrollable situation, or he can end up having a feeling of helplessness in which the attempts to dominate disappear completely, with the correspondent frustration for failing in his attempt to control.
Although generally the tendency to plan for things or prepare them in advance are considered as positive and can be really effective for the achievement of our goals, when this tendency is taken to the extreme and becomes an intense need, it can interfere in our daily life.
What is the reason for this to happen?
The exaggerated urgency for control is usually caused by the angst of not having said control, and behind that angst there is an irrational fear of being at the mercy of others, of having great dependency on other people, which makes them have those negative feelings because of traumatic past experiences that the person hasn’t been able to overcome, and in which the person since he didn’t have control, felt defenseless or insecure.
Past experiences where the person was neglected or mistreated, might disproportionately stimulate the wish to regain the feeling that everything in his life is under control
However, there are several factors that can play an important role in influencing the urgency for control in the person, making said urgency to be extremely intense. Some of those factors are the following:
- A Difficult Childhood
- A Loss or Hurt in the Past
- Insecurities and Low Self-esteem
- For the Sake of Ego and Pride
| Source
While it is true that people suffering from this fear of having a lack of control, or with a the permanent urgency to feel like being the one in control, might look strong and confident, the reality is that behind this appearance there is a certain fragility, as well as a great weakness to the idea or fear that there are certain things that can not be controlled, things that will happen regardless of what the person wants.
Therefore, they love the sensation of having everything under control since it allows them to feel powerful, because for a moment it can make them believe they are more capable than ever as well as being prepared for any action they want to take.
In addition, another of the characteristic that define these people is the feeling that others depend on their ability to manage the events that take place on a daily basis. So this feeling of responsibility can add some stress as well.
It is fair to say that these people hardly ever relax, because whether they have the control they want, or if they lack it, they will tend to be emotionally loaded no matter what.
According to Jerry Kennard, he says that these issues are more common as people "... monitor costs, maintain a fastidiously clean home, and freely dispense advice as to how others should live their lives. It is also fairly common to find that controllers have relationships or partnerships with people of low self-esteem or victim mentalities". | Source
Conclusion
We should never allow our natural need to feel in control to take a hold on us, because getting rid of issues like this one is not an easy business, and we will feel frustrated time and time again as we constantly face situations and people that are can't be controlled by us.
One of the best things of lives is having surprises that can bright our day, and of course, surprises cannot be controlled by us, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise in the first place.
If you work on your own improvement instead of trying to control others, healthier relationships at work, as well as everywhere else, will then come to you as a result. | Source
Therefore, allowing life to take its course, freely, without us needing to guide things that are of no concern to us is the best way to approach uncertainty, the only thing we can and should control are our own actions, and nothing more.
Reference
psychologytoday – control freak
psychologicalscience - control
psychologytoday - fear of losing control
psychologenie – control issues
anxietycentre - fear of losing control
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