“See, this here is why I love living in Tinyville and can relax here,” Col. H.F. Lee said as he watched what was going on as one spectacle in town became another one. “Cousin Woody is having no nonsense, but he is as creative and gentle as he is thorough.”
He handed his binoculars to Mrs. Maggie Lee, and smiled as she fell out laughing.
Earlier that day, the Lees and their cousins living next door, the Ludlows, had heard that the Lofton County Nudist Colony was going to have their yearly bike ride in defiance of both normal and Covid-19 restrictions … they just weren't going to flaunt their defiance in the county seat, Big Loft, VA. They decided that Tinyville, VA, since it only had two law enforcement officers, would be the site for their event.
The problem for the leaders of the ride was that the leading law enforcement officer was Major Ironwood Hamilton, late of Army Special Forces and Judge Advocate General service. They could have checked his record and had the sense that he was not to be played with, but he presented as such a soft touch in person, so easy to get along with, that they didn't take him seriously.
He was the son of Isaiah Hamilton, the county politician who had dragged Lofton County almost single-handedly into the civil rights era. That didn't register either, except maybe as another reason to humiliate the younger Hamilton – getting that generational lick back.
None of this made the least bit of difference, of course, to Major Hamilton, serving as police captain in Tinyville. He let it be known that the ride simply was not to occur, and warned that he would take every participant into custody. This was not received well, or in submission.
Which meant …
“Y'all need to laugh, so, let me tell y'all where to get into position,” he said to his Lee cousin, and the Lee cousin had told their Ludlow cousin, Capt. R.E. Ludlow.
“The position is far enough away so that the Ludlow little ones do not need to see too much,” he said. “This could be instructive as well as hilarious. I would bet you even money that they will be covered in some way by the time they get into view.”
“Of course,” Col. Lee said. “Woody has eleven kids of his own – he gets it!”
Sure enough, because the group had announced their route, and because that route included a dirt road, somehow one last makeshift levee from Hurricane Mneme preparations along it broke, ten seconds before all those bikes came through … not enough water to drown anyone, just enough prepared sludge to cover that road … and so the riders slid into Main Street in various conditions.
“Wait … is he even wearing clothes?” seven-year-old Amanda Ludlow said. “I mean, under all that mud?”
“Out here trying to break the law,” eight-year-old Edwina said, “and don't even have your fashion right underneath?”
The participants, now in the sludge, could not get themselves or their bikes upright, and had to wait until Major Hamilton and his deputy Patrick O'Reilly came to bring vinegar and water, clean them up one by one, and arrest them, packing them all into Tinyville's little jail until county came to spread them out a little.
“And see, this is the quiet mastery of Ironwood Hamilton,” Col. Lee said. “Did the leftovers of the hurricane get them, or did he in some strange way? This is why crime is very low here. People know what happens if I get on to them in Big Loft. People have no clue what is going to happen to them in Tinyville if they flout the law – and he leaves a lot of witnesses so they all talk and the awe of him spreads while he keeps smiling.”
“I see why Tinyville is attracting infrastructure investment and people who want a country town with remote work access,” Capt. Ludlow said. “Like his father before him, Ironwood watches over Tinyville's best future – just in a different way.”
“What I learned is that if you are at Cousin Ironwood's house and he tells you no,” nine-year-old George Ludlow said, “you probably need to listen just as fast to him as to Papa.”
“Yep,” ten-year-old Andrew and five-year-old Lil' Robert said.
“You can kinda know that already, though,” six-year-old Grayson said. “You gotta watch the quiet people, just a little more, and Cousin Harry is the same way.”
“Yep,” ten-year-old Glendella said.
“What I also learned is, people need to work out a little before doing all this,” eleven-year-old Eleanor said. “I mean, if you are going to get caught out here on indecent exposure, you don't have to be that indecent – our grandparents keep themselves up, so there's really no excuse.”
“Yes,” Mrs. Thalia Ludlow said, “but consider this, Eleanor: if you are happy enough with keeping yourself up for yourself and those you love, you won't need to be trying to prove to everyone else that you are important by showing off.”
“Yep,” Capt. Ludlow said, with a smile.