There are 2 things I want to accomplish before I die. One is to do Stand Up Comedy and the other is to produce some sort of Animated something. I’m not really sure what exactly...but I think I may finally know.
I’ve decided I’m going to mix the 2 things together and create the world’s first Animated Stand Up Comic. And No Max Headroom doesn’t count. I’m talking like the next Kinison or Dice Clay type comedian. I want to chronicle his career from his very first Open Mic Night all the way to his very first 1 hour HBO Special. I wanted to do it myself but because I have such low self esteem and stage fright, I figure I’ll let the animated character do the Stand Up for me. Genius, right?
So I started writing out some material for his opening debut on stage and I thought I’d run it by you's nice people. His stage name is Meatball. And before anybody tries to duplicate or steal this idea or material, I've already done everything legal to protect this and everything you’re about to read has already been recorded and dated. So you’re wasting your time, See? And if you see this (PFL) that means Pause For Laugh.
It’s only a 5 minute set.
Ok so here goes...He just gets called up on stage.
“And now ladies and gentlemen we have a newcomer with us tonight so you all be real nice to him and give him a warm hand. Making his Stand Up Comedy debut, from Boston Massachusetts...This is...MEATbaaall!!
(walks up to stage, shakes MC’s hand and moves the stand back)
THE AIRBAG IN MY CAR:
”Thank You...Wow...this is awesome. (pause for calm) Thank You. It is great to be here. Thanks for coming out. I am super pumped about my 2017 so far. This year I said fuck it, no more of this I’m losing weight bullshit. As you can see...I’m not very good at it. (Meatball is a little pudgy) “I think my record is like 0-46 now.”
“So I decided, you know what? This year..I’m just gonna start doing all that shit I always wanted to do, but I just never really got around to doing it.”
“Like the other day,..I went and had some breast implants installed on the Air Bag in my car.” (holds up Heavy Metal horns) \m/ “Whaaaaaaaaat.” . (PFL)
“I think I crashed that thing like 6 times on the way home;...Just for shits and giggles.” big smile (PFL)
“I did. I actually flipped it the first time. Caught fire and everything. Dude came running over, he’s like HOLY SHIT MAN!! YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!! I’M GONNA GO GET SOME HELP!! and he starts taking off running.”
"Now....I’m immediately agitated cause I’m trying to enjoy my new fucking toy, right? And Dick Face here is about to screw it all up. So now I gotta slow his roll a little. And by this point, my Boston accent starts kicking in bigtime, I’m like..
“Yo Guy! What are doin’ Guy? Take it easy with the 911 kid. Take it easy with the 911!!"
He turns around all confused and shit.
“Come here Superman, I want to show you something.”(wave him towards the car) He gives me that I must be crazy look.
“I know the car’s on fire, calm down, we got time...quit being such a pussy and come here. I want to show you something.” (continue waving him in as he walks closer)
“Check this out bro...check it out...(he bends down) You see that?” (points to the titties hanging)
“Is this awesome or what? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee” (Starts boxing them around like...like a kitten with 2 balls of yarn; stupidest grin)....(quick admission to the audience)
“Oh I get real stupid around boobs. Just ssssstupid” (PFL)
“And apparently Clark does too cause he looks in my window and goes...”Are those what I think they are????” And I'm like..
“You Goddamn right those are what you think they are. And you know what kid? ME (pats his own chest) I’m the only one that’s got this shit. Whadda ya think about that?”
He starts licking his chops (wipes mouth on sleeve) Then he says..
“Can I try some?” (So innocent. Like a kid wanting a lick of my fucking ice cream cone)
And now I’m thinking “I KNOW this mother fucker didn’t just ask me that shit.”
So I look back at him, my index finger shaking in his face.
I looked him dead in the eye, took a death breath and said...
“Sure man, come on in, (big smile) I can share.” (I start sliding over to the passenger seat)
Clark gets all giddy...starts scooting his ass in all Dukes Of Hazard style. Now a little party breaks out.
“I can have this one...and you can have that one...and we're gonna have a great fucking time”
We start fist bumping each other and shit. (PFL)
Meanwhile,....car is still on fire. (PFL)
“See..you know what the problem is ladies? You don’t understand the power of your boobies. You really don't. I get it. Believe me...I get it. To me? Boobies?....Safest place in the World. Safest place. in the world”
EARTHQUAKE SURVIVAL TIPS:
“Cause if an earthquake broke out right now...I’m not diving under one of these tables” (points)
“I’m diving under some 38DDs , you God Damn right” (PFL) (starts pacing the floor)
“In fact, where are my 38DDs this evening?” (scours the crowd with a hand visor) Where you at ladies, come on?”
“I know it’s Florida. I know it’s Florida. But you can never be too safe, all right? I’m just putting together my survival kit, that’s all. What’s wrong with you people?” (PFL)
“Look, if I’m going to be stuck under 30 feet of rubble for 2 weeks without any food or water...AND I’m shitting my pants?...I think a fucking titty in my mouth is about the only way I’m coming out of that shit alive.”
”I only need one.” (give that look of confidence) “Just one”
“Then of course the challenge becomes keeping it warm, you know? Now I gotta reach up and caress her hair a little bit, check her pulse....reassure her we’re getting out of here alive.”
“There, there Honey...just stick with me everything’s gonna be all right. I’m here for you!” (start making sucking noises) (PFL)
“Oh man..I’m such a dick” (walk around a little PFL)
“Look I’m sorry if my material is a little below the belt, all right? It’s just...the older I get the more I realize I’m like...stuck in this monotonous routine where I get up in the morning...I go to work...I come home...I eat dinner...I watch some porn...I jerk off and I go to sleep”. (PFL)
“And I’m pretty sure that’s not in chronological order anymore” (PFL)
OFFENDED BY PORN: (drink of water)
“It always cracks me up when you start talking about porn in front of some people and they get so offended. I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and I heard these ladies talking about it, and one lady said...”I don’t know how THEY watch that stuff, they’re so disgusting. She looks at me. “You probably watch it, don’t you? You’re such a pervert.”
That’s when I had had enough.
I said “Hold on a minute. I am not a pervert, all right?. I’m just a man that cares about his craft”
“Porn is a free education. Aaaand apparently I’m going for my Masters Degree.” (PFL)
(retargets the audience)
“Seriously guys, If you’re not introducing porn into your sex lives and using it as the learning tool that it was meant to be, I’m just being honest with you right now...I’ll steal your lady from you in 3 minutes.”
“And I can do it at least 2 times in 3 minutes” (holds up fingers)”
“That’s my time. You guys have been great. Thanks for coming out” (Meatball leaves the stage)