He just decided not to come home one night. Then I stared out the window, waited and cried. I told my friend that my cat had been missing for a couple of hours and it was making me feel sad. It felt like I had just been abandoned. I gave him food, shelter and even shared my bed with him, then voilà! He was gone.
My friend told me, cats are like that, you have to let him go. He will or might not come back. Can you imagine if you're a cat? You don't want to feel controlled, right? And he was right. His words resonate. It was true but it was also hard for me to take, not just for the cat, but realizing that it was also me.
Freedom sought after by many, but how come most of us don't possess it? It's a beautiful thing, imagine to be free in your wildness, a wanderer, belonging to no city and to no man. Like my cat who can just decide not to come back anymore, so he too, could wander without a care in this world. Perhaps the grass is greener outside his new home. I took him from the shelter and showered him with love, but I should not have been attached to him. I should have just enjoyed our moments together, for the affection he showed me. But I should come to terms with the reality that anytime, he is free to go. Love is like that.
We are left alone, without excuse.
― Jean-Paul Sartre
On the other hand, imagine that freedom can also be a burden. Imagine having this weight on your shoulders that you are free to do anything, you are free to decide whatever works in your life, you have the world to conquer. Is it just too convenient for many not to have that kind of responsibility? To just let others decide for you, what are you going to eat, what kind of career should you pursue, what things do you need, where should you put your money or where can you travel?
With freedom, you are given a blank page, and it's up to you to decide how you want the story to end, the characters to put in there and all the chapters. Every day you have to think of something new, something creative to make life worth living. It is not as easy as you think, and it is not for everyone.
Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.
― Jean-Paul Sartre
I can admire my own courage to break free, to embrace the unknown and to decide for myself what I want everyday. I can choose to stay in a place or I can go. But at the same time, a part of me wants to belong. Of course, isn't that part of human nature, to belong? Even animals belong somewhere, underground, underwater, in the sky? Why do you think some people choose to be stuck in a place all their lives. There's this tinge of sadness when men at the same time recognize my freedom, that I am always free to go. Though I appreciate it, a part of my soul won't deny the gloom of being set free, that I felt I'm not worth keeping. Oh yes, freedom can be tiring at some point. I look back at the time when it was just too convenient for me to stay in one place, to be cared for and to be loved. But what is it on the other side that I love as well, even though I knew it would break my spirit at some point. There's something dark lurking inside, masked itself as charm, smile, and humor. When deep inside there's this lonely, insecure and severely damaged little girl. Where did the will to conquer the world without fear come from? That was the freedom to make the most out of life, for what it's worth.
My cat came back finally and I hugged him tightly. I can only enjoy our days together. It is such a lonely world out there for him, and I knew he might come back. But I must say, that I trained him very well, to hunt for his own food, to come back when he needs to, to not take shit from other cats outside, even though he is just small. He likes change. I know when things get too comfortable for him, he would change to another place where he could sleep. Even though I tried to put him back to the same place, he will just not stay. He is free to be on his own, and I respect him for not wanting to be bothered most of the time. And when he needs me, or that I need him, we know that we are there for each other. I love him still even if he made my legs his scratching pad. But without me, I can be assured that he can survive. I love this cat.
...it's better to look at the sky than live there. Such an empty place; so vague. Just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear.
― Truman Capote