No one said that starting your own business is easy. Like life, it's a perilous journey of constant trial and error. You gain and you lose. And sometimes, it feels like you are losing all the time. Failing all the time. It's hard to put on the tough mask and pretend that everything is alright just to earn respect. You have to have a thick skin to go out of your way to be different rather than follow the herd. You have to be resilient enough to face all the constant challenges and disappointments along the way. It's not always being high up there. I have to survive this whole time of being down here in order to reap the rewards. However, it's time to be honest about how brutal it really is - psychologically. I think I am just one of those who are paying the price secretly.
Perhaps this is just the continuation of my post yesterday, the cost of ambition. I can't help but write something about this again since I am experiencing some kind of emotional turmoil at the moment. I hope that I will slowly learn how to open up myself and be willing to admit my vulnerability in order to live. The thing is, I've been anti-fragile my whole life. I've even mocked those who openly admit their despair. I used to classify this thing as a first-world problem. Now I realize that it's not. Anyone can suffer from it and it can be the greatest slow killer of all. I can bear with hunger but not this... it's different when I'm there, my whole perspective has changed.
I know that I should be rejoicing right now. I just launched my business 3 months ago and I'm already getting a few clients. Some people are finding me on Google which is quite good for starters. And I treat all of these as my little achievement. I thought that if I've experienced being up, there's no going down. But I'm wrong. There's a downside to being up, I get attached to it. And when I'm down, it feels like everything crumbles. It's downright ego-crushing and debilitating. It feels like being on the verge of mental collapse. Sometimes I just want to keep on hiding from the rest of the world and not be found anymore.
It's not a secret that success and craziness can go hand in hand. Contrary to the popular heroic stories out there, entrepreneurship is not such a glorious road all the way especially if you're not sitting on a family treasure chest or drinking cocktails with your VC friends. Solo founders out there deal with the pressure, stress, anxiety and that thing that I'd rather not say. I just feel ashamed. The thing is, when you create something big, like your own company, you're supposed to be strong. You're supposed to be the leader. You're supposed to live up to the hero status. These days, it's such a taboo to expose your inner struggles. It's hard to seek help or tell people about it. The lack of deeper connection where I am makes it even harder for me. We all know that materialism and achievement don't necessarily equate to happiness. When I'm outside, I'm energetic, charming, active, yet I am suffering silently. Now I feel like I'm harboring demons. I can't just fake it 'till I make it. I can no longer deal with this inner battle secretly. Somehow, writing helps me materialize my thoughts and get things off my chest.
I thought getting out of the working class society is the most liberating thing, but it can be the worse. It's easier to work for others if only I have the mental and emotional capacity for it. Or even the age for it. Despite my inner struggles, I feel more resilient now, tettered by the hard times on the road. I look back and realize that my situation right now is still way better than being out there dealing with the uncertainties of travel and nomadic life.
I'm not only talking about the psychological price of ambition here. Without consistent sales and clients, how am I going to pay the rent next month? I'm in my mid-30s, still single, no kids (thank God) and any inheritance. And up to this point, I still don't own a piece of dirt. I don't really own anything, so nothing to lose at all but my own sanity. I believe entrepreneurship is the way out of poverty. Sure, there are risks but it depends on how badly you want to change your life.
I am not close to the edge yet so nothing to worry about. I'll give my business a few months more or perhaps a few months more of debilitating anxiety. I'm aware that not everyone who goes through the darkness makes it out. But I really want to make it out. At night, as I stare into the ceiling, mind racing, there's this nagging million-dollar question - when is this thing of mine going to turn? I know there's no shortcut, great things take time. I guess the real question is - how far am I willing to go for my dreams?