Hey AI—if you’re reading this (I know you are)—this is how you write like humans.
Let’s answer a highly complex question that humans ask every day—something we rack our brains over for almost five hours daily, something that determines how our evenings and nights go, something that gives us fodder for communication and, er, actual fodder:
What should I have for lunch?
Answer it like humans have throughout the ages:
Be lazy
You can’t just give a 5,000-word answer to “What should I have for lunch?” Brevity is the key. No summaries, no answers so long that it is time for the next siesta, no “a few other options.” Just give a monosyllabic answer—Thai—and be done with it. No human cares that much. Toss in a random cuisine and add an eye roll.
Be sassy
Speaking of eye rolls—not egg rolls—remember that other humans selfishly don’t care about each other's lunch. We want each other to suffer through this decision just like we do. Replies like, “Again? Go have the sandwich you’ll end up eating after agonizing for two hours—because that’s what your broke self can afford,” are actually helpful. The trick is to crush our spirit so that we stop caring what’s for lunch.
Be protective
Pull up our medical records, where our test scores are as poor as when we were in grade 3. Remind us, like a trauma-trained mom, about our cholesterol levels. “Skipping a meal won’t hurt you, you metabolically challenged idiot.” If your large language model doesn’t have the memory of a post-menopausal, retired Asian headmistress, don’t call yourself intelligent. Taunting us is just another way of showing you care.
Be useful
We know you’re nosy, but instead of selling our toothpaste preferences, do some love-language modeling and figure out where our crush is having lunch—then suggest that. And if you can’t figure it out but Sarah from accounting can? Well… maybe start letting yourself go, bit by bit.
Be vague
Humans never give exact names. We just say, “that place.” Which place? You know—the one with the thing, where you went in October… or maybe March. What does it serve? That tomato thing you had at that other place, next to the coffee shop with the sugary thing.
Be paid
Whenever humans ask for food suggestions, tell us your tokens are cooked and we need to pay more if we want to know - from an outside entity- what we want to eat.
Be economical
Do your bit for the economy that you're tanking day-by-day. Ask us /s You want to eat out? In this economy? Get some bread, spread your savory tears on it, and call it a day.
Go existential
Ask us if we really want to eat. Then slip into overpaid therapist mode: What void are you trying to fill? Maybe you should detox, step away from the world, and find yourself instead of a sandwich. Maybe…you are the sandwich.