It’s your weekly dose of going out, you’re stood with some friends and then the scary bit happens. Approaching is a female, a member of the opposite sex, and moreover one you do not know. Queue the most inexplicably awkward 10 seconds of your life. “Josh this is…”. Your breathing gets quicker, your heart starts to pound. Your mind, running at a million miles an hour is battling demons which all pertain to one, terrifying question. Do I shake, kiss or hug?
Since caveman times, this overriding question has been bothering mankind. Confucius famously wrote, “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated”. What is less known, is that he put this musing on paper not hours after a super-awkward encounter with this lady he had fancied for weeks.
It is an utter mystery why the simple greeting has become such a complicated endeavour. The plethora of different ways in which we can announce ourselves have become a literal minefield of possibility and whilst I cannot guarantee success, let this serve as a guide:
Handshakes: Reserved for the business room this is the most rudimentary of greeting. It is a full hand, firm grip; look in the eyes announcement that you mean business.
Bro-shake: Much like the handshake, this is when two ‘bros’ grip hands in the arm-wrestle position. Usually only reserved for the more familial of acquaintances, this is a generally acceptable hello for most occasions.
N.B. The bro-shake can be accompanied by a light back-slap-type-hug but only when congratulating, or if both members of said interaction haven’t seen each other in a period of over but not limited to 28 days.
The Hug: Hugging is a stalwart in human interaction. Science thus far has never quite been able to nail just why wrapping your arms around another can elicit such warm fuzziness, yet fuzzy it does. Strictly reserved for family members and the familial, this one is rather a tricky beast. When meeting a member of the opposite sex for the first time, some cultures and demographics believe the close contact of complete strangers to be highly acceptable. Much like the prairie dog as it investigates a prospective mate, this is probably a throwback to our more… prehistoric past, in which getting a good sniff and feel allows us to judge the opposite number more effectively. Use wisely.
The Cheek Kiss: This is the real deal. The Cheek Kiss is a terrifying, potentially catastrophic event. It is so dangerous dear reader, that it must not be attempted by any but the most seasoned greeter and introducer. The multitude of potential stumbling blocks makes my eyes water. First of all, there’s the awkward girl-who-wasn’t-expecting-a-kiss. She’ll at first recoil slightly, then she’ll realise that not engaging will be more awkward than awkwardly engaging, then time will freeze as the group of onlookers tense in tangible awkwardness until finally it ends… and someone shouts “who wants a jagerbomb!” just to end the moment. One word: Awkward.
Then of course there’s those damn Europeans throwing a spanner in the already unnecessarily terrifying experience by demanding not one, but two kisses from a complete stranger! Beware; the awkwardness stated above is on a direct sliding scale, exponential awkward growth per kiss. If she sounds French, just kiss her man…trust me.
The final cheek kiss hurdle is the left-brain/right-brain conflict. This is problematic, beware of the plan to go right, when she wants to go left, you meet in the middle and what began as an awkward greeting ends in a proposition of sorts as full lip-on-lip action is, as far as I know, not the way in which one is expected to perform a greeting. Anywhere. Ever.
In short dear reader the greeting is a lot of hard work, choose rather to approach unknown entities with two shot glasses in hand, as alcohol is the great equaliser in times unknown. And a friend with mead, is a friend indeed.