Alert: This post is satire. I'd rather not mention that (it spoils some of the fun). But I've made that mistake before and do not enjoy dealing with responses from people who think it's real.
A recent article from NBC Sports reported that Major League Baseball pitcher Kieran Lovegrove chose to sign with the San Francisco Giants partly because of Farhan Zaidi, the team’s new President of Baseball Operations. According to the article, Lovegrove was impressed by Zaidi’s record (during his past tenure in Oakland and Los Angeles) of developing pitchers and giving them a chance to succeed. Of course, this isn’t the real story.
Farhan Zaidi. Source: MLB.com.
The real reason Lovegrove signed with the Giants has been buried. No one has dared mention it. But today, the truth comes out. Zaidi wasn’t the real reason because he’s bald.
Lovegrove signed with the SF Giants because of his love of lettuce. Salad, flow, wet lettuce. It’s another term for what could be called “hockey hair”. A billowing flop top that’s well on its way to becoming a mullet. Bad hair is well accepted on this team.
Kieran Lovegrove. Source: NBC SPorts.
San Francisco is known as a tolerant city. Hairstyles reminiscent of 80s mullets may be darn well illegal elsewhere. You may get the guillotine for even thinking of reviving something so offensive from the past. The New York Yankees, for example, make each player shave his facial hair; no moustaches and beards for the Bronx Bombers. But in San Francisco, anything goes, so much so that the city’s baseball team has its share of offensive hairstyles.
And that must be what Kieran Lovegrove found quite acceptable about this team when he chose to sign with them. He pictured himself finding instant camaraderie with future Hall of Famer Madison Bumgarner, who has at least a half mullet on a good day.
Madison Bumgarner. Source: Nailart.info.
He also remembered that Jeff Samardzjia signed a monster free agent deal with the Giants just a few short years ago, even though he’s been stinking it up on the mound ever since (and that’s when he’s been healthy).
The Shark (please don't make me type his name again). Source: MLB.com.
And behind the mound, sometimes directly behind it when the infield shift is on, shortstop Brandon Crawford also sports locks of wet lettuce.
Brandon Crawford. Source: NBC Sports Bay Area.
One of last year’s success stories was pitcher Dereck Rodriguez. Well, yes, he’s got the hair going also. Kieran Lovegrove evidently took notice and would like to see the same success. (By the way, who the heck is Kieran Lovegrove? Hopefully, the dude can pitch so they can trade him for a prospect at the All Star break in July.)
Dereck Rodriguez. Source: KNBR 680, KNBR.com.
Someone call a good barber. No wonder Bryce Harper chose to sign his free agent contract with Philadelphia instead. Although when offering Bryce a deal recently, the Giants must have assured him that the team’s locker room stocks an endless supply of shampoo.
Bryce Harper. Source: Total Pro Sports.
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This post was satire. If you want real, read the NBC Sports article above.