It's almost as if there should be a name for it. It should be a thing. It's like these days I'm always analysing my life. What I've done. What I'm doing. What I hope to be.
Who I hope to be.
I have tried to do good. I have made some mistakes, and feel some guilt for them. But I haven't been malicious. I haven't been cruel. I have tried to be good, and do good (and yes - that is a thing).
Am I the only one who is feeling this? Because it's a powerful feeling indeed.
Thankfully, my life is not one of regret.
When I was a kid, I used to wonder what kind of a man I would be. Now I am a man, I wander through my memories, longing to touch base with the child that was.
And I remember a conversation - in my 20s - with the first girl I really, truly loved. She asked me what I wanted to be, most of all in my life. My greatest ambition.
I told her that I wanted to be a good father.
And it was true. It remains true.
And now that I am a father, I think about the many mistakes I have made (for what father, what mother, hasn't made mistakes as they learn how to navigate the challenges of parenthood?) and constantly wish I had done better.
I strive, everyday, to do better.
I think I have always been this way. Always questioned myself, held myself up to a high standard I always tried to attain, but didn't always succeed.
But never more than now, when I'm 50.
It really should be a thing. Like a midlife crisis.
Or something.
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