I am liberating myself from my comfortable camouflage. To begin this journey to the next chapter of my life I like to share a story. I like to share myself as I am. I like to dive deep into the vast ocean of my life experience. My ears hear the music of yesteryear, my eyes see a new light and my mouth wants to speak the truth.
For years my writing has focused on my personal development, reflections and political analysis. Eventually, I realized that they are even deeper & more intimate truths that I shied away from...because I was afraid to let go of my pain.
Times out of reach...
Philosophy class in college for me felt like an intense moment of introspection in a public forum. Bellowing out a new perspectives for a class discussion was a catharsis for me to say the least. I lived for the thrill of new & provocative ideas; specially if they challenged the status-quo. I felt a sense of adventure deconstructing the cultural milieu which most take for granted. The emergent feelings of clarity & new found perspective through the course of philosophy felt like a little death. Libertarianism, voluntaryism and eventually individualism left in my hands a greater cause; participating in the evolution of humanity.
Unfortunately, as a young person filled with idealistic ideas & coupled with a fractured (trauma induced) mindset this dream involved many pitfalls.
My fervent pursuit of a greater ideal separated me from most people, which created a distortion in my perception. I believed, naively, that ultimately it is up to me to convert the Other into my mental construct. In this self-imposed isolation I reveled, doubled-down and projected guilt & shame unto the Other. After-all..."people power up the evil they say they hate." Surreptitiously, this justified misanthropy to take over my senses...
As nature will have it this set me on a karmic path which rocked the foundations of my Self.
What happens to a fool who falls of a cliff?
Life is the ultimate game. Our thought patterns create a reality tunnel which draws us into its inevitable self-conclusion. If these simulations are projected by a conditioned & unquestioned mindset it can lead one to crash with objective reality.
My activism against the never ending evil of government left me with the impression that I was pursuing universal freedom. Realistically, as a young adult I was not particularly capable to assimilate myself to the everyday motions of life. This conflict help me to create the illusion I was free, but painfully unaware of my personal reality. My lack of self-development coupled with my habit for self-justifications obfuscated my lack of self-awareness.
Years of trial & error made me see the underlying error in my self-sabotaging pursuits. Despite being politically aware and informed on the latest news...I was not fully aware of my own internal world. My inner world was entangled with unresolved conflicts, contradictions and general complacency.
Life's Plan & My Pain
Avoiding Conflict, isolation from others and being unable to let go...
In youth, adventure is a thrilling pursuit but as we progress through life's maze we stumble, fall and hurt ourselves. As we progress through the years the body retains the pain, anger and sadness earned through unresolved conflict. Distracting ourselves with ideas, substance or self-serving relationships only delays the inevitable abnegation of casual reality. The fractured Self shields itself from the light to protect its own malignant nature which in turn supplants authenticity for a fixed reality.
Subsequently, this leads us down the vortex of analysis-paralysis...a type of self-induced endless loop of calculation which paralyzes the mind with fear. Which in turn blinds us from the original cause of our pain & woes. Our own reluctance to take responsibility and adapt to uncomfortable environments beguiles the mind to a comfortable numbness.
To be truly free one must practice grounded self-awareness as a daily exercise. Because it is not only government, big banks or shadowy cartels that are checking humanity's progress. We limit ourselves in the most intimate of ways that are antithetical to living a free & prosperous life.